Why isn't chocolate on my meal plan?

2011-12-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

I have not been writing as much as I would like to. I don't know why...I suppose I am still just generally apathetic about everything. I have a hard time getting myself to get out of bed, let alone making breakfast, and eating it...and socializing with my family...and then getting around to a blog post. At least on the weekend it's a bit easier because there's the chance of my mom making a meal for me.

I met with my therapist on Thurs and I'll be going twice a week now. I'm glad for this. She asked me what I think my primary issue is, and honestly it comes down to depression. At the root and end of everything. And where I am now is a complete lack of desire for anything I used to love...and it's been this way for months and months.

But anyway, I've been okay. Actually met new people and went out a few times, but I still end up in my bed at the end of the day wishing I had never left, feeling as though nothing really mattered, or even if it did, nothing ever amounts to anything. I will be honest though, I was feeling a bit more hope yesterday. Briefly, maybe for a few hours. But looking back, it was probably a false happiness, brought on by my restricting. My kittens certainly bring me joy. And now one is walking along the piano keys....

love,

2011-12-14T19:07:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the tone of the last post. I was very upset and confused and obviously my eating disorder did a lot of the talking and the thinking.

I went to bed crying, feeling guilty for feeling guilty, hating myself for hating myself...just a vicious cycle of useless self-hatred. Before going to sleep, I was going through my old bookmarks from my 'healthier' and happier days, and came across benurtured.com a very wonderful site that you should all visit. For some reason I was inspired to email the woman who runs it and she replied with a beautiful, sincere message that has really caused me to think about my situation differently.

When I first started this blog over a year ago, my attitude was so completely different. I was complete dedicated to recovering. I was on a mission to love myself and take care of myself no matter what. Well, I feel as though I have gone completely back in time. I relapsed the worst I ever have, losing a significant amount of weight and restricting more than I ever did even when I first got sick.

I do not want to continue to get sick. I want to get better. And I want to take my time and do it thoroughly. My school load is significantly lightened, as I will only be taking a few classes, and I'm no longer going to be in the high stress performing arts world. I am not associating myself with people who are negative, who will tempt me to smoke or drink or neglect myself.

I have had depression my entire life. I have gone through eating disorders, various addictions, and too many unhealthy relationships. I need to place myself first, just for a while, in order to be there for people...as I really want to.

I feel a clarity of mind and am so glad to have released the anger that was clouding my thoughts last night. I feel more at peace. I was even actually able to enjoy cooking today. I was able to do yoga and enjoy it. I was able to laugh and feel sincerely pleased. I know this probably has to do with starting to eat again. I want that life back. I want vitality back. I want to love myself again, rather than despising the girl I see in the mirror. It makes me feel ill to think back to the thoughts I have had about myself for the past year. I had completely gone back to my old thoughts and attitudes about myself, doing the opposite of what I worked so hard to overcome.

Gross! Relapsing is gross!!!!!!!!! I am determined to get better, even if that means I have to do it entirely on my own. I have started trying to implement my meal plan. It is soooo hard! But I will work my way up to meeting it 100%. This week my goal is to at least make it to 50%...

love,

emmy

2011-12-13T20:00:00.001-05:00

well, i'm glad i didnt write a post yesterday like i had planned to, about how great my first day of iop was and how beneficial i think it will be. how i have already learned invaluable things about my eating disorder and even about myself that i could have benefited from sooooo long ago. i was trying to follow my meal plan today, despite how overwhelming and impossible it seems. but anyway, glad i didnt eat enough today because then i would feel even stupider.

just got a call that insurance wont pay for iop. they would pay for php and inpatient (even though they said before that they WOULDNT) but not iop. theyre saying this, im sure, because i dont quite qualify for php or inpatient, technically. even though thats been determined what i need. so now i wont even get iop.

i feel selfish and stupid for feeling this way. for thinking, ok fuck recovery whatever i dont deserve it any way. how stupid of me to think things would finally get better. when i finally had hope of course they would let me go to my first day and then say oh wait nevermind just kidding even after they said they would cover it. i feel selfish for thinking i could get such cushy and nice help. i should be able to suck it up and just eat on my fucking own why do i need some luxury treatment.

oh well whatever

Positivity

2011-12-09T11:04:00.001-05:00

I had an entire post composed in my head last night, all about how confused I am about my life right now, what kind of treatment I need...how important is treatment? Is this in my head, why hasn't the Center called me, etc....but this morning I woke up with a different action plan. Rather than continuing to feel lost and confused, I decided, well...I'm just going to do what I can do.

And, although it took me about an hour, I finally dragged myself out of bed (weighed myself...meh), but promptly walked downstairs, and fixed myself breakfast and ate before I could think twice about it. HELL YEAHHHH.

I've been repeating in my head "positivity, positivity, positivity"... being pretty straight forward. I do not want to be depressed, I hate it, it has lasted too long, I need to control what I can control. I couldn't even think of any other stupid mantra to repeat, so I just jumped straight it....

positivity, positivity, positivity.

I'm not going to indulge in the negative thoughts that try to push their way into my mind. Enough come out in my dreams (nightmares). I'm feeling the start of a headache, but whatever, I do not want to feel like shit anymore. I know food is medicine, and it certainly feels that way. I just have to make myself eat it, but whatever, people rarely want to take their medicine! So, GROW UP, Emily, and do it. I texted my best friend from school last night and said "I dunno...I don't really want to do this anymore." I'm tired, I wanted to get better, but I've been on a waitlist for weeks, I feel stupid, useless, etc. I told him I want to go back to drinking, smoking, my ED, and he said it's just about growing up...living your life. I need to grow up. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I mean it in the truest sense. I need to release my younger insecurities, my maladaptive coping skills, and deal with issues as an adult. I am 21 and I've landed back to the place I was in when I was 17. EW!

So, Project Grow Up, commence.

I'm stealing this idea from Ashley at Seeking for progression, instead of perfection, Fabulous Five Friday, where she posts five good things from the week. I'm just going to simplify it and recognize five general things in my life I am grateful for. What I am now living for...

1. My two kittens, Maggie and Fiona. I spend my day with them everyday, they purr, they climb onto my lap, and they go absolutely crazy, running around the house. I love them :) They were rescued from an abandoned car downtown and were going to be put down.

sorry for the poor quality of the photos, I left my camera at school and have to use the one on the computer for the time being. Maggie is the entirely orange one and the other is Fiona. Maggie is named after one of my best friends from school who inspired me and urged me to take the steps of moving home and seeking treatment. I love her, she is a beautiful person inside and out. Fiona is named after Fiona Apple :)

2. My little brother, who I call Punky. Besides my kitties, he is my best friend at home. We hang out everyday, whether we're playing chess, I'm giving him a music lesson, taking a one mile run around the block, watching Modern Family, or smoking a bowl, he is AWESOME.

3. My family's cat, Frodo, who is 60 in cat years and 20 lbs. He has been getting along with the two new little kitties, so I'm very happy about that :)

4. Pandora radio has been NAILING it for me this week. I got tired of picking what I want to listen to (I pretty much listen to music allllllll day, unless I'm playing the piano or something, aka, making music on my own). This week I've been listening to the Pandora Beach House station, Jose Gonzalez station...and Rihanna haha. They are all very different but I've really been enjoying everything that comes on each.

5. The awesome artwork in my room that my friends gave me. The paper crane mobile, my best friend and roommate made me for my 21st, the painting behind it is a splatter painting that we made together in a drunken crazy night while listening to Bjork, and the dream catcher on the wall Maggie gave me before I left. Again, sorry for the poor photo quality, but I love these pieces in my room...

Alright, plan for the rest of the day...get dressed, clean, practice (???), meet old friend for coffee at 2 pm, this evening...? no idea.

xoxo

2011-12-08T20:02:00.001-05:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

sitting with it

2011-12-06T14:49:00.001-05:00

My dad came home today at 11 am to take me to a dentist appointment and as we were walking out of the house into the f***ing cold (winter has finally come...) he asked me if I'd eaten. I "mhmm"ed as usually and made my way to his car. But he stood still and said "no you didn't"

Ugh...

So after my appointment he made me go out to lunch. To Champps. The restaurant of ZERO vegetarian/vegan items (though I am no longer either, I prefer to eat that way when I go out), and massive, mountainous piles of food. I quickly lost my appetite when we pulled into the parking lot.

I had half of a turkey wrap which came with a salad (and I did not ask for the dressing on the side..I don't know what was possessing me). And then my twin sister, who came along, and my dad decided they wanted the pumpkin cheesecake, and they decided I would be sharing it with them.

I simply had to resign to my fate. There is no point in arguing, though my discomfort was obvious and they know I did it for them. Did it taste good? I don't really know...all I know is how it still feels sitting in my stomach. While driving home though, as I watched the river which is near overflowing, I remembered how I used to enjoy running along the bike path that travels along the river. I used to enjoy running...I ran for health and vitality. I miss that. My ED totally took over every single thing I do. I ran to lose weight, until I stopped running altogether because 1.I didn't like how my thighs were bigger with muscle 2. I probably couldn't have run even if I wanted to, I was so exhausted all the time. I still only have energy to pretty much lie around all day.

I want to be able to run again. And I want to run because I love to run.

xoxo

the low down

2011-12-05T17:26:00.001-05:00

I have time for a quick update before I "must" make dinner because my younger brother is "starving"...haha...oh ironic humor.

Anyway, of course the appointment was not nearly as bad as my nerves were trying to make it out to be. I slept terribly, had numerous dreams about ridiculous circumstances, woke up at 6:50 am to drive my mom to school (she's a teacher) so I could use her car today, spent 2 hours throwing my clothes all over my room because everything looks terrible on me, resulting in me wearing my pjs (aka yoga pants and sweatshirt) got my prescription refilled finally, made my way through the suburbs of Columbus for the first time in years, figured out how to use the windshield wipers on my mom's van (out of dire necessity, will this rain please STOP!?) and finally made it to the Clinic, after having driven past, around in a circle, and almost calling for help.

But yes. I made it. And the assessment was just like you would expect it to be. Where they ask for eating disorder behaviors and habits in an eating disorder intake, the questions were simply replaced with ones about drugs and alcohol. And of course I was honest. Honest about my use, attitudes, and also honest about how I think the ED needs more attention. The woman was incredibly nice and understanding (as therapists tend to be) and she really seemed to consider everything I said.

Ultimately, she agreed that the ED seems like the bigger issue now, and that it's hard to determine whether or not cannabis dependency is an appropriate diagnosis considering my smoking has not necessarily caused any major issues. Though she did say my thoughts regarding it, connected to my eating disorder and to drinking, are worrisome. But as some of you have commented, they are all addictions and they can be treated similarly. For me, the eating disorder is primary, for other people, she said, they have a chemical dependency and during remission from that they develop and eating disorder. So it's just the other way around for me. She did say I met the criteria for alcohol dependency at a point in my life, but not right now...considering I don't drink.

But anyway, I feel much more at peace. She is calling the Center today to discuss treatment options. In the best case scenario (depending on what the two treatment centers determine together) she thinks I should do IOP at the Center and if problems arise with the other addictions, then I should go there for outpatient help after ED IOP. Or, she said, if the Center would be more comfortable (or if they require it) I may have to do morning IOP for the substance abuse 9 am- noon and then ED IOP in the evening...which would be super intense, but I came home to get better and I'll do whatever they think I should.

I will hopefully get a call tomorrow from the Center to let me know the decision...

xoxo

Diagnoses

2011-12-04T16:50:00.001-05:00

It's impossible for me to know where to start so I'm not even going to try for the time being. At the moment I am more concerned about my appointment tomorrow at the Neil Kennedy Clinic than I am about remembering the sequence of events that have made this appointment necessary. Though there is a certain amount of explaining that needs to be done. The first question probably being: what is the Neil Kennedy Clinic?

It's a substance abuse rehabilitation clinic. This probably deserves a little explaining.

As I've mentioned before, I received outpatient treatment at the Center for Balanced Living (previously the Center for Eating Disorders) in my hometown, which is a superb and comprehensive center here in central Ohio that people travel from all over the state for. I am so lucky to live just five minutes away. I could walk there, and have at times. Anyway, I moved home rather than going to a residential program, as my treatment team at school, my parents and I highly considered (looked into Timberline Knolls, The Lindner Center of Hope in Cincinnati and Sierra Tucson) because of the closeness of this treatment center that offers everything except inpatient. I had a half an hour intake call to determine the appropriate "level of care", filled out all of the paperwork, had a 2 hour in person assessment, a complete physical and lab work and electrocardiogram, had the labs sent to the center, was on the waitlist for Intensive Outpatient (although PHP was determined to a better fit, my insurance does not cover it), and I was planning on starting very soon. And then I was called on Friday.

Okay, this sounds a lot more dramatic than it is. The plan is still for me to do IOP at the Center but there's just this little bump in the road. The head of IOP is requiring me to undergo a substance abuse assessment at the Neil Kennedy Clinic before I'm allowed to enter for treatment. So I immediately called and made my appointment, which is tomorrow at 1:30 pm. I have absolutely no idea what to expect, but I guess I should have been expecting this to come up. Especially since my wonderful therapist at school (I'm being sincere, she truly is incredible) insisted I go to a dual-diagnosis program, yet I chose the one place that does not seem to offer that. I thought that since I moved home and was no longer really smoking or drinking, those shouldn't be an issue. But of course they are very closely tied to my relapse and even my previous eating disorder. However, I would say my abuse of drugs and alcohol actually put my relapse off for a while, and my restricting got so much worse once I tried to stop smoking and drinking. But obviously that's an issue in and of itself.

So, here is a seemingly minor (although I have no idea what may happen) pause in my getting treatment for the eating disorder. I am planning on being completely honest tomorrow, and if they think it's best I get rehabilitation first for drugs, then so be it. But I will make it clear to them what my worries are regarding eating disorder treatment and the urgency I feel to get it NOW. I really have no idea at all what the appointment will be like tomorrow, I have never received any real treatment for my substance abuse (primarily because I have long been in denial about it).

Since I last blogged, I'll just post the absurd diagnoses that I've been given this past year just to (maybe) fill my old readers up-to-date. I suppose some of these make a lot of sense, but I had to laugh quite a few times. They seem to hand out diagnoses like...um...I am not clever enough to think of anything now....bummer.

Anyway, here we go:

300.02 generalized anxiety disorder

305.20 cannabis abuse

307.50 eating disorder, unspecified (oh yeah, that deserves its own blog post. Am I the only one overcome with shame for not meeting the real diagnosis for anorexia nervosa, though I'm told that's what I have. I meet all of the criterion except for loss of menstruation...and I'm going to consider that a good thing).

311 depressive disorder, not elsewhere classified (wth does that mean)

304.30 cannabis dependency

and this is the most absurd (I don't have the print out sheet anymore, so I don't know the number, but here it is): nondependent tobacco use disorder...supposedly because I said I occasionally smoke a cigarette. What classifies that as a disorder?

I'm so glad to be back and can't wait to be caught up on everyone's blogs/lives

xoxo

Starting over...

2011-12-03T10:37:00.001-05:00

well....long story short (though you can count on hearing the entire story in time)...I'm back. And I don't mean just to the blogging world. I am back home. Following a long and slow relapse in my eating disorder (the worst I've had since first getting sick), juggling a couple "addictions" (cannabis dependency really exists??) and having to withdraw from school to move home with my family, I am recommitting myself to the world of recovery and health aka LIFE.

It was a very hard year, with many, many triggers, bad choices mixed in with trying desperately to do the right thing, and an ultimate loss of desire to keep going, I made the hardest decision of my life to leave IU and move back to Columbus, Ohio.

I have come back to blogging for multiple reasons.

1. I love the support I get from this community. It is a completely positive place for me and I look forward to surrounding myself with as much support as possible.

2. I need to keep writing, it's how I sort out these cRaZy thoughts.

3. I don't have much else to do until I start my IOP program...more on that later.

I have gone through much self-hate, as you can imagine. guilt, frustration, annoyance with myself, feeling like a failure (still do most of the time...), shame, etc. But those are such yucky feelings and I really just want to find out the truth.

So, I'm back :/ Coming home and reevaluating my attitudes and behaviors is something I SHOULD have done ages ago, but at least it's happening now, right? And I know it's the right decision, because who would actually feel better, having to withdraw from school, leaving all friends, starting over, and going to rehab? Well...I do feel better. Finally, and I'm ready to do WHATEVER I have to do.

More later....

xoxo

around

2011-02-27T15:41:00.001-05:00

still trying to move forward.

still...sad. I feel a little overly dramatic, honestly. But I hung out with people a lot this weekend, people who I really like and who I know care about me. It was a good time, but I had SO many moments where I felt completely isolated or different from everyone else. One second I could be sitting there on the couch laughing and having a good time, and the next thing I knew I'd be staring off in the distance in a trance, having minor flashbacks.

I try to get myself out of these, shaking my head, looking up, making eye contact with someone, laughing...but these happenings really trouble me. They make me feel sad and pathetic. Like I can't fully be normal or fully relate or connect to everyone else. It's a major buzz kill.

Oh well, I suppose I should try to accept what I have to go through.

Triggered

2011-02-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

I am so easily triggered. Or rather, I have begun to finally realize when I'm being triggered, so that I can resist it.

List of examples:

1. I took an exceptionally difficult test this morning in my ear training class and I feel as though I failed it. While walking out of the hall I had these thoughts "oh well, at least I can throw away the food I brought for breakfast and lunch and restrict the rest of the day. Maybe by the time we get our grades back I'll have lost X lbs and then I won't care how I did on it."

2. Last night in my rehearsal I came in at the wrong spot and felt as though everyone could tell and was judging me (I stand in the very front/middle). I thought "If I felt smaller and thinner right now people wouldn't notice me and I wouldn't stand out as much. DO NOT EAT AT HOME. Throw away those snacks you bought at the store today."

3. I was practicing last night and a chord I played on the piano triggered a memory of the abuse (I know I'm weird) which triggered feelings I used to have during the abuse. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, unhappy, and dissatisfied with myself. If felt like I would never be able to move on from the memories and that reminded me of the only feeling that offered me comfort back then- being empty, hungry. I thought "instead of going home to sleep after practicing, walk around campus until you're tired enough to go to bed, because if you go home you're just going to be alone and binge."

4. As I was walking home from my Italian class today I caught sight of myself in a window and realized how "large" my thighs are. Realistically, they are bigger than they have ever been because I run now, but. um. duh. muscle. anyway, I thought "I'm going to stop running because, even though it stabilizes my mood and makes me feel better overall, it has made my thighs big and something I always held onto were my tiny thighs"

I could go on.

Those are all thoughts from the last...oh, 24 hours (less actually). Not to mention dozens more.

I suppose I'm sharing this because, despite these thoughts...I am, miraculously, carrying forward. The overriding thought that trumps all of these other ones is simply "what would my friends want me to do or think". It really comes down to the ED voice in my head vs. The Rest of the World.

The Rest of the World must always win.

xoxo

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

2011-02-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

What an appropriate time to 'resume' my recovery. I completely forgot that this was NEDAwareness Week and it just acts as more support to my decision to get healthy again. I wish it was NEDA recovery week or something, but I suppose simply raising awareness of the disorder is enough for now.

I took this weekend as an opportunity to get myself back on track, and simply FOCUS on myself. I cleaned the house, made meals for the week, painted my nails, did yoga, went to bed early, didn't drink or smoke, practiced...and damn do I feel good! I realized I cannot change the past (I have this realization so often, you'd think I wouldn't need to) and I can only do something NOW, and that will get me where I want to be in the future.

That means, doing my homework now so that I'm not cramming later, practicing now so that I'm prepared, eating NOW because now is the only right time for recovery, no use putting it off. When I start living in the past (letting the flashbacks dictate my mood, dwelling on years wasted) then I spiral down the same path. When I'm looking forward towards the future I can build myself into who I want to be. Healthy, strong, and happy.

Things to look forward to:

1. going to Seattle for spring break with my best friend

2. performing with my Brazilian percussion ensemble

3. being able to run in warm weather

4. seeing my little brother after spring break

these are just short term, small things to keep me going. I have lots of work to do, but as long as I take care of myself, I feel like I am capable of doing what I need to.

much love,

xoxo

gratitude

2010-12-12T01:05:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling really worn out today, and I know it's completely understandable. I didn't get to bed until 4 am last night, I had to work this morning, I ran 8 miles in the cold, dark, rain (I couldn't fit the run in until this evening, and I had to go through with it because it's on my training plan) and I'm feeling overwhelmed with studying for exams.

But, since I hate feeling shitty, I've decided to make this post a little different than usual. I'm going to make a list of things in my life that I appreciate and am grateful for to remind myself: life is not so bad.

1. my support...my twin sister, my family, friends, my therapist, blog friends, teachers, my boss...the people in my life who I know would do anything for me. I have so much proof that I am not alone.

2. music...classical, orchestral, folk, pop, indie...anything that makes me feel alive.

3. food...real food

4. COFFEE...black, iced, latte, espresso, anyway

5. my pet kitty Frodo, who will always be soft, warm, fuzzy and fat...and he doesn't care that he's fat. He's happy.

6. running...it keeps my moods stable, my mind at peace, and my body strong and healthy. it motivates me to keep eating. it is something I do only for myself.

7. my ability and power to change how I feel, to work on dealing with my past, and being able to do I want with my life, to be who I want.

la vita é bella

xoxo

recovering

2010-12-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

I had my last support group session of the semester today. It was wonderful. We have generally had the same people in group for the past year (give or take a few, as they get better and move on with life, or we get someone new) but it was nice for us to reflect on the semester and year together. Group holds us each individually accountable. Group is where I can go and even if I don't say anything, people know how I feel because they know me. At group we support each other, validate each other's feelings, and take on the issues of our eating disorders, relationships, and everything else in life. I honestly believe that group has helped me more than anything. Being with other people who can relate to me so much completely takes away my feelings of loneliness. Even when we cannot relate to each other, we all want everyone to be well and so we are willing to do anything to help each other.

I thought back to this time last year. I was still in my first semester of support group. I was deep in my eating disorder. It was not my 'hard core anorexic phase' nor was I really abusing diet pills or over-exercising at the time. I was in denial about there even being a problem, though I fought every single day with thoughts of wanting to be thinner, feeling unworthy, feeling undesirable and ugly...honestly...I hated myself. And, honestly, that's when the flashbacks of the abuse first started happening. I just recognized this week that that is when they started. I remember drinking with friends last year, or just hanging out with people, and feeling completely isolated and stuck in my head, feeling sad and depressed...and you want to know what was going through my mind? memories of being cold, alone, scared...memories of the abuse. Those flashbacks were not violent, as they appear to be now (where I sometimes cannot breath or remember where I am) but they were occurring nonetheless.

I didn't make the conscious decision to give recovery everything I have until the end of last year. It's sad when I think about how shitty I felt most of the year. Yet again, I feel like I'm watching a different girl when I play through these memories. I remember walking in a trance to the store and buying a scale...twice, and destroying both of them. I remember walking miles around campus late at night trying to burn off calories, I remember bingeing in a practice room and forcing myself to throw up (only time, thank god), I remember running in place in my bedroom, trying to compensate for eating out with friends. I remember being lightheaded in lessons and being sent to 'eat something' because..well...I hadn't eaten, and it was evident in my playing. I remember skipping classes because I just couldn't find anything to wear that didn't make me look fat and disgusting. I remember crying at my reflection. cancelling plans with friends because I 'felt' fat.

Eating disorders SUCK. When I hear from girls (friends) who are still struggling now...it breaks my heart. It really hurts me to see them struggle because they think it's their fault. They think they don't want to get better. If they knew that recovery would actually make them feel better, then they wouldn't be so afraid. The only reason I gave recovery my all was because I was finally convinced that nothing could make me feel as shitty as my eating disorder. I decided to look at myself in the mirror and say "I look beautiful" even though I didn't feel it. I've grown to believe it now.

It takes courage. It takes some blind faith. I simply had to trust my therapist, trust my friends in group, trust my nutritionist. I had to believe that the only one who wanted me to stay sick was my eating disorder. My friends, family, everyone else in the world wanted me to get better. If I lost weight, the only reason I would feel thrilled is because my eating disorder would be happy, but everyone else I know would have been devastated.

I am here on the other side now. Sure, I have had MANY slip ups. But I have not gone back to the start, which is all I ever asked for. As long as I keep going, keep blogging, keep talking, keep going to therapy and support group, I will always be getting better. Once I really put the eating disorder in it's place I was able to see what triggered it. They always say the eating disorder is just a symptom of the real problem. Bull shit, I always said. I just want to be thin. But you know what, it's true. There is always something. Even if that's not rape or abuse. Perhaps it's an inherent feeling of being unworthy, unlovable, different, wrong. Those feelings are irrational but as long as you stick with the eating disorder, you will continue to believe them. No one is unworthy or unlovable. We are all just people trying to live our lives. Everyone is beautiful and everyone has something to offer to this world. I hope that we can all fully recover from our eating disorders, addictions, abuse, I hope we can all recover ourselves and become who we truly are.

You are never alone.

Much love,

xoxo

healing

2010-12-08T10:56:00.002-05:00

where to start....

well, I had therapy this morning. thank goodness I was able to kick ED in the ass last night so that I didn't have to focus at all on my eating disorder during my appointment. I went right in there and told her what I've been going through (since it's been over a month since I last saw her). I told her how bad my flashbacks have been and what I've been doing to cope (or not cope) with them. Obviously my ways have not been working. Cutting, running, they are just ways of avoiding whatever emotions these flashbacks are trying to get me to feel. Rather than viewing the flashbacks as horrible and unnecessary things, she said to try to view them as a message from my body and mind. She said it's my body's way of trying to tell me to take care of myself, to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for what happened.

I've never thought of it that way before. I've always seen the flashbacks as being cruel punishment. Like, seriously, did I not suffer enough already in the past? Why must I go through it all again? and again...But since I've been wrenching myself away from "feeling" my actual feelings during the flashbacks (though I have touched upon them) she said I need to try not to cope with cutting or other self-destructive behaviors.

Easy for her to say. Since I have such an urge and impulse to tear with my fingernails or dig into something with my hands, she said to try holding an object and rubbing it, grasping it. While I know this won't give the same sort of relief as actual cutting, she said I would learn over time to cope in this non-destructive way. I am definitely willing to give it a try. I have a small porcelain panda bear figurine that my boss gave me a few months ago. I think I'll use this as my grounding object. It just seems appropriate to me. My boss is a very caring, older man (he's in his 70s) and he is a psychologist. Probably the greatest man I know. He seems to be the grandfather I never had (my mom's dad killed himself when she was 17 and my dad's family lives in England, his dad died when I was 6). I think I could find some comfort in holding the figurine. She also said to try talking to myself, just saying one phrase over and over, such as "I'm sorry this had to happen to you" or "you will be okay". I think that might be a little harder to do, since when I'm in the flashbacks I am so NOT present in life or really able to think clearly, but I will give it a try if I'm able.

It was once again alarming, though, to hear some of the things she had to say. Such as 'you were in a very abusive relationship' 'I see this in many of the battered women I work with' 'you are not crazy for the way you are feeling, it's a common symptom of PTSD' etc. I don't know why it's hard for me to hear these from my therapist. I suppose that is just the ultimate validation. The most difficult thing for me to realize is that...everything was real. and it happened to me. and what I have been going through for the past 3 years are all a result of it. It's very hard to handle.

Yet I am starting to accept it. I made an appointment next week with a Sexual Assault therapist here at my school, rather than making one with my regular therapist. This was because she recommended it and I told myself last night that I would do whatever I need to in order to recover from this. Even though a big part of me feels as though this is unnecessary, feels as though it wasn't that bad, that I don't need this kind of special treatment..I made the appointment because it's what my therapist wanted me to do. I have to trust her. It's the same as the eating disorder was. It was hard to go into treatment at first because I did not believe I had an eating disorder, or that it was bad enough to get help. I didn't realize until I was well into recovery that I was actually sick. I suppose this is just the way things go.

On a plus side, the sexual assault therapy is free. Go figure.

more later,

xoxo

Snapped out of it

2010-12-07T19:51:00.002-05:00

I'm back

what did it take?

waking up even more tired than I was when I went to bed. having no desire or energy to eat breakfast or go to class. having my body ache all day. focusing more on my hunger than class. running on empty. for the first time, calculating calories in my head while running rather than using it as my time to be free and alive. having trouble breathing and keeping steady while running. shaking hands. caring more about performing "body checking" rituals than getting homework done (bone counting, measuring, etc), standing in front of the mirror and feeling too thin one second and too fat/ugly the next (despite previously going months with relatively good and consistent body image). and the worst wanting to eat but not being 'allowed' to.

this all started with having no desire to eat last week and giving in to that. i did not have any ED thoughts and I felt relatively fine, despite eating only what I felt like when I felt like it (which was 1. not enough food but 2. quite nice having ice cream for dinner because it's all I really felt like having). I suppose this malnutrition did it's thing on my brain and that is why ED returned. It really seems all fine and dandy until I want to eat. Then it's that brick wall between me and the food. Anything and everything seems like too much.

I gave in to ED all day. It sucked. I'm over it. I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go into therapy having my mind consumed with eating disordered thoughts. I have received years and years of treatment SPECIFICALLY for eating disorders, and I know what I'm supposed to do. If I let this go on one more day I would be wasting my therapy session focusing on it. I have more important things to take care of tomorrow. Yesterday I thought that the way I was feeling was normal, not entirely eating disordered. Today I was able to recognize the thoughts and symptoms for what they are. I was able to separate myself from the illness and keep in mind what I, Emily, want out of life. This is so important for turning a relapse around before it really is too late to do it on your own.

I'm feeling quite a bit of anger at the moment towards eating disorders and what they do to beautiful people, so I'm going to take a quick moment to vent...

I HATE EATING DISORDERS
KDJGS:DLSFKDGIOS:ODI NP"WUO:EIJLWKJ RU OIHVLSVJ:SLJV:

So now that I've remembered how absolutely horrible it feels to be in the grasps of the eating disorder once again, how have I been able to get back on track with recovery? Well, I'm not gonna lie, it's hard. I'm sure you all know this. Eating feels wrong, not eating feels wrong, I'm weak for giving in to the eating disorder yet I'm also a failure if I eat. It sucks. No doubt about it. The only way I was able to convince myself to eat dinner and NOT feel terrible (I feel fantastic right now, to tell you the truth) was pretending it was a friend of mine eating. I would never want any of my friends to not eat for a day. ever. So why the HELL would I do that to myself? Honestly, for me, it's as simple as that. It hasn't always been in the past. It took years of learning to rationalize my thoughts to get here and to be able to kick a relapse in the butt so quickly, but ultimately...treat yourself how you would treat your best friend.

I am SO ready for therapy tomorrow.

much love

xoxo

not trying

2010-12-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

***TRIGGERING***

(please do not read this if you are not in a good place)

I am not very pleased with myself at the moment. I'm hoping to use this blog post as an opportunity to turn my thoughts around. I was looking over my older posts, from when I first started the blog, and I seemed to be a different person. I was battling my eating disorder head one, dedicated to recovery and feeling well in life. It was fine and dandy until the PTSD took me off guard. Since school started and my struggles with intense flashbacks began, I have been flirting (a lot) with the eating disorder. Or perhaps you could just call it disordered eating. The difference, I think, is the mental aspect. The weeks when I have gone eating very little, it took no effort and it was because of no "voice" in my head (as it has been in the past, being a true mental illness). I have also gone periods of time eating just fine, and in fact, eating like a college student- pizza late at night, randomly going out, eating dessert twice in one day, etc.

But I feel a bit more on the side of eating disordered than disordered eating at the moment. This is because my symptoms are no longer solely eating behaviors. They are mental and compulsive. I'm afraid my compulsive exercising has come back (and it has been 3 years since I've had that feeling). Maybe acknowledging it now will allow me to get a grasp on it. But I don't really want to (correction, my eating disorder doesn't want me to, but I'm really mixing up who's who at the moment)...I feel apathetic towards stopping this. My sole reason? I want a better body.

Okay, I know, that's bullshit.

But for the time being, that's what my eating disorder is telling me. Today was a great day for anorexia. It is too icy to run outside, so I don't have to eat as much, right? Sure, I ran up and down the stairs, did sit-ups and such, but that doesn't burn nearly the same amount of calories as running does. Right?

But I haven't had a flashback today! Imagine that...my mind has been so consumed by manic, eating disordered thoughts that I haven't been able to think about anything else (including Italian, music, sight-singing, psychology, etc). But hey, I didn't have a flashback! Giving up everything else seems worth it right now. Also, I was in the prime condition to have some pretty bad flashbacks- in class today we were learning about a city in Italy that is Greg's last name. It's hard for me to hear it and read about, because it always triggers flashbacks, but not today! I was too hungry to really focus on it. And also, I saw Greg's same car today. This is a huge deal. I have never seen anyone with his same car. I don't even know what kind it was, but it was strange and unique. I saw it on campus today. Same color and everything. I lost my virginity in that car.

Yet I feel fine.

Well, besides my blue fingernails (seriously, body? can you not go one day on a deficit of calories?) and inability to focus or do homework. But, I am so pained to say that this seems worth it. At the moment, this seems so much better than crumbling to the ground and not being able to breath because I can't remember how old I am or where I am. This seems better than having the urge to carve into my arm.

Why must I juggle and trade what I'm going to struggle with? I had a brief period of time during the summer where I felt beautiful, strong, healthy and capable to take on life. Yet as this school year has progressed, I have felt worn out and torn apart by the PTSD. And it got to the point where, I suppose, I subconsciously switched back to the eating disorder.

NOW WHAT??

All I can say is, good thing I have therapy on Wednesday (for the first time in over a month...) I think I'm ready to really take this all on, intensely. As I said exactly 9 months ago when I started this blog, I am going to commit myself to recovery. At the time, I thought my eating disorder was the greatest thing I had to overcome. Now I see that it's much more. I need to recover my entire sense of self. The past continues to hurt me and haunt me, but I will do WHATEVER I need to. If my therapist wants me to talk, to describe the flashbacks, then I will do it. I just want to get better. I am ready to get better. I have been afraid to face the flashbacks, but I think it's what I must do. Otherwise I will go back to the eating disorder, have to recover from it again, and then deal with the abuse all over again.

not happening.

The time for recovery is now....I know it is. I can't just put it off. Might as well get used to eating dinner every day..starting now...I have to do it for the rest of my life...ughhh.....not eating is not an option....it's in my control.....

um. unfortunately, I'm not convinced.

hopefully tomorrow will be better on the "Healthy Emily Front". Today is not really standing a chance.

xoxo

food tastes good

2010-11-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

I found myself actually really enjoying food today. Upon reflection, I realize that I liked eating every time I ate this week. When my mom spontaneously decided to make cookies, even though I'd gone out for lunch, I actually felt excited and pleased (a reaction similar to the one that my siblings or roommates have when I bake something) rather than feeling angry and frustrated and thinking 'oh god, seriously? as if we actually need cookies'. Okay, but seriously? Who doesn't need cookies, they're good for the soul! And considering how good I've been feeling AFTER eating, I'm starting to think that could be true.

I've read before that the brain chemistry of anorexics is messed up. When "normal" people experience pleasant feelings when they eat, the part of the brain that releases that response is not triggered in an anorexic. I believe this is true. Prior to this week, I didn't actually get pleasure from food at all. It was a nuisance to eat, to meal plan, etc. Sure, I enjoyed baking and cooking...but for other people. Perhaps it's taken this long for my brain to "recover" from the malnourishment, but eating is actually a good experience for me now...it's incredible.

I get stronger in my recovery every day that I continue to eat. I feel as though I'm getting further and further away from my eating disorder and becoming more of a real person with a separate identity.

Today I ran past the outpatient hospital that I went to during my junior year of high school. It seemed really strange...like a part of my life that was so long ago. I suppose it really was, and I have grown SO much since then. Physically, sure I had to be weight restored, but also emotionally and as a person. I thought about how I'd be dropped off to see my therapist, with my dinner in hand. I remember how it got dark outside so early when I started going, in the dead of winter. I remember being weighed before every session, taking off my jacket, my shoes, my socks, stepping on the scale backwards. I remember how the mood of the session would be determined by a drop or gain in my weight.

What strange days. I was truly sick.

And now I am so much better. I am in such a better place in my life. I am no longer sick or afraid. I am strong.

With all that being said, I'm not gonna lie. I was getting eating disorder thoughts today, tempting me to go on a diet, run a little farther, eat a little less. But I'm proud to say that I have vehemently pushed them from my mind, and I refuse to entertain them. I just hate the feeling of utter despair that eating disorders create. The feeling of never being good enough or thin enough. Always feeling like too much. But I want to be here. I want to be a person, to actually take up space, rather than fading into nothing. Life feels better when you are actually living it.

xoxo

obligatory Thanksgiving post

2010-11-25T23:41:00.000-05:00

I hope you all (in America) had a lovely Thanksgiving. Hopefully you allowed yourself to eat, feel loved, and feel good. I understand though, if you struggled. I remember my first Thanksgiving with my eating disorder, 4 years ago. This was before I was diagnosed, but I remember exactly what I was wearing and exactly what I ate. I was a vegetarian.

This year I got up at 7 am to run a 5 mile race, which I PRed in. I ran it in 39 mins 38 secs, which comes out to 7:54 miles. I felt amazing and it was a wonderful experience. I even won a pumpkin pie! I really only struggled during mile 4, where I started getting the thoughts in my head tempting me to take a walk break, but I thought...I am thankful to be able to run, I'm thankful to be healthy, I'm thankful to be in such a positive place in my life right now, and so I sprinted the last mile to the finish.

I got home and ate 2 cinnamon rolls. Normally on Thanksgiving I skip breakfast and lunch in order to compensate for dinner. But fuckkkk that. It's Thanksgiving. This is the one day that "normal" people totally let themselves pig out and not feel guilty about it. I'm proud to say that I enjoyed everything I ate. I never felt out of control. I listened to my body, but also my desires. I let myself eat what I wanted.

While I run I am able to do a lot of reflecting. I've definitely used running as a means of running away from my problems. I also know I've used running as a way to lose weight. However, as I've evolved as a runner, I no longer see it as appropriate for either of those pursuits. Running is a way to celebrate my body. I must eat properly in order to PR in races. I must eat properly in order to train. I use running as a way to meditate. If I'm running in desperation, if I'm running away from my past or my flashbacks, I end up on the side of the road sobbing..unable to run.

Running has definitely stabilized my moods and helped regulate my eating, as well as allow me to appreciate my body and health. I am so thankful to be able to run.

I am so glad that I found such a supportive and wonderful community, here in the blogging world. With your encouragement I have been able to grow and heal.

Much love to all

xoxo

angry

2010-11-23T01:02:00.000-05:00

I am not in a very good state right now. I'm exhausted. The rain outside is absolutely insane. My window panes are rattling, the rain is coming at an angle directly into the screen, and there are constant sirens outside. I have a headache. I have to be up at 6 AM.

And all I want to do is take my porcelain piggy bank and hurl it again the wall. I want it to shatter into a million pieces. Or I want to go downstairs and take my bamboo plants and smash it. Or just take a coffee mug. I want to destroy it. I'm grinding my teeth right now. I'm fuming.

Greg texted me.

"you look good in your facebook profile picture"

excuse me? I want to call him up and yell at him. Make him understand at least a tiny bit WHAT HE DID TO ME. why does he continue to contact me? the last time I received a text from him (and every time before that...it happens every few months) I told him to 'take my phone number off his contacts'. I don't know what else to do or say. I don't reply and he just sends something else later. Well, at least this is better than last year when he used to call me at 4 AM saying he was suicidal.

I fucking hate this world sometimes.

On a better note...WHOA I'M ANGRY AT GREG! THIS IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Now I'm tired. Just let me rest, please. Let me forget about this at least for the night.

No more anxiety?

2010-11-22T15:16:00.000-05:00

So I've been feeling good everyday. And by that I mean, I can get myself out of bed, I can appreciate walking to class, I don't mind going out of my way to do things for other people, I'm enjoying my time with friends, and I am not stressing about classes.

I just realized why I've been able to feel this way.

MY ANXIETY IS GONE.

lskdgjlasdkgjlsdkgjlskdjglskdjgldkjg

What the hell happened to it? haha seriously, I'm sitting here laughing right now. I can't believe I didn't realize this sooner. Anxiety has always been the worst part of everyday. The underlying restlessness, worry, sick to my stomach (at times), light headed, on the verge of a panic attack...it's all gone. AND I'm not on the other end of the spectrum either. I'm not feeling completely apathetic or lethargic. Sure, I'm tired. Sure, it's been a long semester already and I'm ready for a break. But I still have been enjoying life, rather than being a zombie or an anxious mess.

This is incredible. I think a lot of it has to do with regulating my eating. Honestly. Eating is not scary, it's enjoyable. And I basically eat whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing, but it feels good. And I do eat healthily. But also, I feel like making chocolate chip cookies for lunch today, so I think I will. Then maybe I'll have a spinach omelette for dinner with homemade bread. Sounds fantastic.

The anxiety will probably come back at some point, but it's nice to know that it won't be sticking around forever. And life feels pretty damn nice without it. I've been an incredibly anxious person for my entire life and it's good to feel somewhat normal.

I go home tomorrow for Thanksgiving break! It will be nice to not have any dietary restrictions on Thanksgiving :) Oh, btw, the veganism/vegetarianism went out the window a few weeks ago when my roommate and I broke down and ordered buffalo wings. GREAT life choice. Also, I'm running a 5 mile race on Thanksgiving morning, and I can only do that if I'm eating well (aka having chocolate chip cookies for lunch!!)

xoxo

Dwelling

2010-11-22T00:37:00.000-05:00

The flashbacks definitely are not as intense anymore. I haven't forgotten where I am, I haven't screamed or cried or tried to dig my fingernails into my arms...but I still find myself remembering and dwelling very often. I'll be in the middle of practicing and suddenly find myself staring off, playing the scenes over in my head. But not the same ones I used to have bad flashbacks of. Instead, I remember what I used to feel like, in my stomach. The dread. Feeling empty and alone. It's strange. I'm not consumed by these thoughts, instead I feel strange...

I still feel disconnected from this girl.

I can see this sequence of events. I was happy and healthy. I was 17, at the music institute in Massachusetts for the summer, having the time of my life. I meet Greg. Tall, good looking french horn player from Cleveland. He's into me. The problem? He has a girlfriend from home. I told him I would not date him unless they broke up. He said they did. I remember the first time we made out, he was wearing an orange shirt. I was totally honest and vulnerable. I told him I didn't really know what to do. I felt warm and safe. But afterwards he left the room, said he wanted to talk to his girlfriend from home. But I thought he said they'd broken up? I remember the first time he touched me. I said I wasn't ready. I pushed his hand away. But he didn't stop. I let it go. Afterwards I could not stop shivering. shaking. I felt so cold. He didn't understand what was wrong with me so he left to be with his friends. I went back to my dorm room. I looked in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed and my lips were very red but my face was pale. I didn't recognize myself.

I see myself at the beginning of the year feeling strong and beautiful. I remember thinking "I'm 17, I want this to be a good year. This should be the time of my life. "

I see myself as the year progresses. I see this girl, becoming pale, sick, thin. She loses 20 pounds and no one knows why. No one knows what's wrong. She loses her passion for music. Her teacher thinks it's because she's spending too much time having fun with her boyfriend. It's because she lost her future. It's because she lost herself.

I don't understand. I cannot comprehend. This girl was me?

I walked through the halls of my high school as a zombie. I sat in class but I was not there. These thoughts haunt me.

I am me today. This is who I am. Happy with my life and myself. I feel beautiful, I feel loved. But so strong is the hold that this other girl has on me.

bleh

xoxo

Content

2010-11-19T18:09:00.001-05:00

I think I am ready to return to the real world. as in make my blog public again. I just feel like I have a much firmer grasp on my past and on myself.

I feel fantastic. la vita é bella truly.

I have not completely forgiven myself for what I went through and how I dealt with my situation when I was younger, nor do I think it is healthy or possible to completely forgive myself. I did the best I could at the time. I wish I had known that it was not my fault. I wish I could have known that people loved me and cared about me and would have helped me. I wish I had not kept everything inside.

By keeping those secrets, I developed anorexia, I drank, I cut, I felt alone and isolated for years. I felt like I could relate to no one. I felt like if I spoke up and told the truth, people would know how vile and disgusting I was.

The truth is, it was not my fault. I was not treated badly because I deserved it, even though that is how I felt. I was not abused, emotionally, physically, sexually, because I was a bad person who did not deserve a good boyfriend. I was treated that way because Greg had his own issues that he was coping with in the wrong way- taking it out on me.

For years and years I have felt different and wrong. I have felt ashamed of myself for how I dealt with what has happened to me, and I have felt embarrassed and ashamed for what actually happened. I thought that if I spoke out and told my parents that I would get in trouble. I thought I had done something wrong. The only thing that was wrong was what had been done to me.

I still become overwhelmingly upset when I think of the past. I still feel very sad for this girl, 17 year old Emily. I feel sad for how alone she felt. How she had given up on her life. Gosh. It's impossible for me to think about, really. I am in such a different place now. I have so many people on my side, who love me. I had that before too, but since I had such a huge secret, I could not reach out or get the help I needed. I didn't even know what I needed.

I have not cut in about 3 weeks. I promised myself I would go to an emergency walk-in counseling appt. at the health center the next time I got the urge to cut. Well, I got the urge, and so I went to the appt. It was so helpful, and it stopped me from carving into my skin. I always regret it afterwards. The therapist told me to write a letter the next time I want to cut. Write a letter to Greg. Not anything I'd send, of course. But she said I need to get angry at him and stop being angry at myself. At times I am angry. Though I'm most angry when I hear how he's treated his other girlfriends since dating me....but still. I think the anger is there, somewhere. She said to dig the pen into the paper, and I think that would cure my urge to slice into my arm. However, I haven't had to urge to cut since that appointment (last week).

Life is beautiful. I feel content and at peace with myself.

I ate a cheeseburger this week. The entire thing. AND the french fries. I know, right? It was incredible. My first cheeseburger in....well, probably almost a year. And probably one of only a few that I've had in about 4 or 5 years. I think cheeseburgers were my favorite food before I became vegetarian, anorexic, vegan and decided that I didn't like them. I do like them. I fucking love them. It was amazing. I felt wonderful. I didn't feel fat or disgusting. I enjoyed eating it and I enjoyed the company of my friend. I still ate dinner later in the day and I even had a snack before bed. I made pancakes for breakfast today and they were fantastic. I had chocolate cake this week. I had pizza over the weekend.

I think I am recovered from my eating disorder.

I think I am further along in making peace with my past than I have ever been.

My self-worth is not determined by my classes, on my music, or anything really. I feel content with myself. I like who I am. I love my friends and family. I can run. I can cook. I can eat! I can live.

I am no longer alone.

xoxo

trying

2010-11-11T00:11:00.000-05:00

I am determined to get out of this funk.

I do not like feeling bad, so I will do what I need to in order to feel better. Go to sleep on time, eat well, ask for help, talk, speak, run, laugh, love. I just despise flashbacks, depression, anorexia, cutting, drinking. I hate all of it. It is in my past, but I will not let it pull me back down. I really think I will get the recovery tattoo this weekend. I need that reminder everyday, all the time. I need it so badly. I don't think I will ever regret it. It is up to me to feel better. It is up to me to change how I feel about myself and about life. No one else can change it for me. Flashbacks are something I'll have to deal with, but they do not need to rule my life, or ruin my life.

love

xoxo

real life?

2010-10-18T20:28:00.000-04:00

(last public post)

This morning I woke up feeling off. I was feeling extremely overwhelmed, sad. Things that are beautiful were making me cry. Hearing about other people's struggles was upsetting me. Little jobs and chores I had to do felt overwhelming. I was having horrible flashbacks all day. Thinking about having therapy tomorrow morning was daunting and I just wanted to cancel it. My roommates were all out of the house, my best friend was inaccessible, and I felt too ashamed for my weakness and depression to ask anyone else for help. I thought in my mind how much it would hurt my parents for them to see how much I was hurting. So I didn't reach out to anyone.

I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen, sobbing. I didn't turn to my eating disorder. I turned to my other form of self-harm that I won't mention in case it triggers someone or is too graphic. Looking back on it now, I can't believe how desperate I felt. Opening my mouth to scream, but having nothing come out.

I finally dragged myself up off the floor and decided I needed to run. It was (is) dark outside and raining, and I thought "yes, this will really make me feel alive". I put on my sweatshirt, turned on Radiohead In Rainbows, and took off.

Just as I was getting into mile 2 this boy appeared by my side.

"I saw you in the distance and thought I'd be able to catch up pretty quickly, but you're running fast!"

I turned to him and said

"and I want to keep running fast, run with me"

And for the next 1.5 miles I had the company of Jay. Cute freshman boy, majoring in economics, who loves listening to indy/alt rock (Radiohead for example), was obsessed with the Lord of the Rings in high school (my cat's name is Frodo, fyi) and who was just wonderful company. I set out on my run to run away from life. I wanted to run instead of screaming, I wanted to run instead of cutting and crying. I went out to run so I could breath, but also so I wouldn't have to think. I never thought I'd be going out to run to meet someone who suddenly makes my life seem a little more...fun. I feel intrigued and excited. Who knows what will happen the next time I go for a run, who else I might meet, what else Jay and I might talk about when we meet up to run again.

la vita é bella

xoxo

announcement

2010-10-17T19:13:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I am going to be making my blog private. It has been very helpful for me to work through my eating disorder, but as I get into the abuse issues, I'd rather not have my story out there for anyone/everyone to read (yet). If you would like to continue following, please just comment and leave you email, or send me a private email at twinlyness@columbus.rr.com.

I may end up going public again in the future, but for the time being I will feel more comfortable having it private. Let me know if you have any questions, concerns, insight, comments, I really appreciate it all!

much love,

xoxo

CBT in action

2010-10-14T22:42:00.000-04:00

thoughts running through my head after dinner:

"oh goddd I feel so fat and disgusti--

wait a second

dinner is just a normal part of everyday life that I'll have to do every day for the rest of my life. Might as well get used to it now."

Wow. How did things ever get so messed up that I have to challenge every meal? Eating disorders must seem exceedingly insane for someone who has never struggled with one. I'm even struck by their absurdity, often. Seriously, eating is like breathing and sleeping. What if I had decided to ration how many breaths I took each day or restricted my sleep as a form of coping? Um, no one ever would. It's just crazy and you need those things to live. And you need food to live as well! But I guess nothing about eating disorders makes rational sense anyway, and they aren't so much about living as they are about dying.

Today has been quite good. The voice in my head was realllllly leaning towards the eating disorder, but I constantly pulled it back to Healthy Emily. I want to be Healthy and Normal Emily. So fuck off eating disorder. Back away negativity and sadness. I want passion, life, love, music. And pizza. Really badly. I've been craving it for weeks now. I have not allowed myself to eat pizza since I've been back at school (besides one I made at home...but I want real pizza, as in the greasy, cheesy yumminess that I used to enjoy). I honestly cannot recall the last time I had take out pizza.

My goal for this weekend? Eat pizza. ENJOY pizza.

Wish me luck!

xoxo

moment of clarity

2010-10-13T23:03:00.001-04:00

I felt (kind of) normal today. I felt like I allowed myself to live.

I just let out a huge sigh...a relief, a release. I relaxed and I did not feel guilty about it. I went out to eat with friends and I let myself order what I wanted, I let myself taste it, I joined in the conversation and had fun, because, for a time, I removed the critical voice in my head.

I don't know what triggers these moments of clarity and life, but I would like to figure it out. I don't want to always have to reach some kind of low in order to feel good again. I don't feel like it was based solely on a conscious effort to feel better, but it was as though I could suddenly see again. I could look at the sky and appreciate the beauty. I could put my frantic mind to peace and realize that this is life. I need to appreciate what I have, I have a healthy body, I am at a wonderful school, the weather is fantastic, I have the resources to get better, I have friends and family who love me, the world is beautiful.

I realized that I would rather look back on this date, October 13th 2010, and remember sitting in a Cajun restaurant on campus with two of my best friends, eating delicious food, watching the rain outside and seeing the bright beautiful autumn leaves against the wet, black sidewalk. I would rather remember discussing music and concerts with real people, rather than discuss calories and fat content in my head.

It took effort to push the critical voice in my head aside, but my determination to feel better won. I'm trying not to isolate myself, I'm reaching out and just hanging out with people. I'm surrounding myself with loving, positive people. I love being present. It feels good.

For this evening I am at peace.

xoxo

the Truth

2010-10-12T13:49:00.001-04:00

"do you just do it for the attention?"

I was asked this question last week and it has severely bothered me ever since. It felt like a slap in the face. Am I just doing it for the attention. the attention...

What attention? From my therapist and support group? The attention from my family and friends? Thinking about this question makes me feel positively sick to my stomach. It's just striking me as being almost painfully unfair that anyone could think that people choose to have a mental illness for attention. As if you COULD. And as if anyone would want to.

Coming from someone who I thought was understanding and empathic makes it especially hard for me to deal with. Someone who knows how hard I struggle and how hard I'm working, but somehow my struggles are seen as weakness and choice.

But what if it is a choice? What if I don't actually have an eating disorder? If I stopped giving it attention (through my support group, this blog, talking about it rationally with people, going to therapy) would it cease to exist? Does it only exist for the attention? The attention...I can't get over that word. Part of me just wants to break down and cry WHAT ATTENTION?? The negative attention? Having people honestly think that I'm weak and vain? Having people think I just wanted to be "skinny" and that I choose to not be able to eat sometimes. Is there really so much misunderstanding out there about eating disorders? Do people not know that (as shameful as it has been for me to realize, accept, and admit) eating disorders are mental illnesses that often (but not always) have physical symptoms. Ugh. Do people think I'm bragging about having an eating disorder??!?!?!?!?!

It took me two years to be able to openly talk to people about my eating disorder. The year I was diagnosed it was my twin sister who shared it with people, and I was often very upset by this (I realize it was her way of coping with it). But I felt ashamed by it, I felt like people would judge me and dislike me if they knew what I was struggling with. I only became outspoken because I wanted to be able to help other people. And I have. Through the years I've been able to help a lot of people find help for themselves. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gotten over my own insecurities in admitting my ED. So when I tell people now that I'm recovering, or when I share my struggles, usually it's out of compassion, for other people and myself. I know that lots of girls and boys struggle with body image issues and issues with food, so I hope that in my honesty and openness I can encourage other people to be honest and open as well.

But to have someone ask me if I'm doing this for the attention....I feel stuck.

Is this hitting me so hard because it's true? Do I like the attention? The question seemed absurd to me at first. If anyone knows my past and how my ED came about, then they know I didn't do it because I thought it would make my life easier or get me noticed.( Gosh it's making my arms tingle to type that because it's so false.) I didn't eat because I didn't want to live. I wanted to DISAPPEAR, to become as small as possible and vanish, no longer be a burden, or in anyone's way. How can someone misunderstand that so thoroughly? Unfortunately that f*&%ed up coping skill has had a long lasting impact, which is why I'm still struggling with the ED.

But I'm starting to think...seriously...
if I stop calling attention to it, will it go away?
Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
can I just 'get over' it?
am I being weak?
am I being selfish, reaching out for help in other people?

I feel guilty and disgusted in myself. bleh.

sorry for such a bum post! :(
xoxo

Thought Record

2010-10-11T17:34:00.000-04:00

As you know I've been having a hard time with my eating. I recognize this is unacceptable and I must do everything I can to normalize my eating. I told myself I would follow my meal plan today no matter how I feel physically before and after eating, and no matter what my mental state is. Since I'd made these guidelines for myself I thought it would be easier. I wrote down why I must eat and I read the sheet while I had my lunch. It didn't help. My mental state is awful. All I can think about is how much I regret eating and how I didn't need to eat, I could have gone without eating, etc.

So. I pulled out my handy dandy "thought record worksheet" and I am now going to work through this mess.

SITUATION (who were you with? what were you doing? when was it? where were you?)

alone in the kitchen of the house

this afternoon during lunchtime

ate a sweet potato with curried lentils and veggies AND a piece of chocolate

MOODS (describe each mood in one word. rate intensity 0-100%)

sad 75%

guilty 99%

frustrated 50%

upset 90%

disappointed 50%

AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

"I didn't need to eat lunch"

"normal people skip lunch sometimes and it's fine"

"it wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't eaten"

"it wasn't worth it"

"I look fat now"

"I failed"

EVIDENCE THAT SUPPORTS THE HOT THOUGHT

I ate the entire meal and chocolate (and chocolate isn't even on my meal plan)

eating was avoidable and if I wasn't so weak and stupid I could have skipped lunch

eating just made me feel worse afterwards so what was the point

EVIDENCE THAT DOES NOT SUPPORT THE HOT THOUGHT

healthy Emily succeeded

it was a step towards positive change

I didn't gain 10 lbs from eating lunch

I'll feel fine this evening/tomorrow

it was just a stupid little piece of chocolate, not a big deal

why should that chocolate dictate how I feel about myself?

this is a necessary part of recovery

ALTERNATIVE/BALANCED THOUGHTS

"eating a piece of chocolate is not a big deal"

"I ate a piece of chocolate but it doesn't mean I failed"

"this is absurd to feel so badly about a piece of chocolate"

"chocolate should be a part of my meal plan anyway"

RATE MOODS NOW

guilty 50%

frustrated 15%

sad 0%

upset 0%

disappointed 0%

proud 100%

Ahhhh it feels good to rationalize my thoughts :)
xoxo

Looking Ahead

2010-10-10T22:47:00.000-04:00

The greatest advice my private music teacher has given me in the past two years: look ahead

Seems like a no-brainer for musicians. Of course you need to read ahead while playing, but I somehow got into the horrible habit of looking backwards, thinking about what I had already played, even taking my eyes off of the passage I was playing and looking at what I'd already performed. That's just a recipe for MESSING UP and stopping.

The reason my teacher gave me $5 in my last lesson? I played through my 4 technical etudes perfectly. The reason I played them perfectly? I was looking ahead the entire time. I was prepared for what was to come and I was not dwelling on what I had already played, even if I had made a minor mistake. When I don't read ahead, I stop when I mess up. I get so thrown off my the fact that I made a minor slip-up that it turns into a major issue.

I realized that this thinking can also be applied to my running. When I start thinking "oh my godddd I just ran x miles, I want to stop!" well then of course I feel like I can't keep going. But when I keep my head up and look forward on the road, it's so much easier to put one leg in front of the other. As long as I just keep my eyes on something in front of me, I can work my way towards it, rather than thinking about what I already passed and went through.

You know where I'm going with this.

Time for me to apply the same thinking to the abuse. To my eating disorder recovery. I must look ahead at what the future can offer, rather than let the past bring me down so far. I know in order to do this, though, I must face the past and accept it. That is the hardest thing. I need to let it go, but in order to let it go I must let it out, and that's where I'm stuck. I honestly woke up this morning (after having HORRIBLE flashbacks last night) and before I opened my eyes I thought I was back 4 years ago. I had the same terrified thoughts running through my head that I used to wake up with every morning. It was triggering and it was hard to shake that feeling away. But tomorrow is a new day, and I can continue working towards health, happiness, and contentment.

Have a good Sunday night!

xoxo

Feeling empty

2010-10-03T21:35:00.000-04:00

Don't mind me, I'm just having an existential quandary.

I finally had a relaxing weekend. My best friend from home came to visit and we had a lovely time, eating, watching SNL, sleeping in, shopping...I felt good. I felt happy. The weather was LOVELY. The leaves have changed color, the sky has been clear blue, it's chilly and it feels good to wear pretty jackets and boots. I was happy.

But somehow that high of happiness dropped drastically. I went running to try to feel better. Didn't work. Instead it made me feel empty and drained. I tried cooking and baking. Didn't work. Instead I just stood at the sink holding a piece of my homemade whole wheat bread and I dropped it down the disposal because I had no appetite. I sat on the floor by the refrigerator and cried. Life just looks bleak. I'm tired. I don't understand...

I'm going to bed on time. I'm eating well. I'm exercising. I have good friends. Yet I feel...hollow. I feel like there is something missing. There's a void. Perhaps I'm feeling this loneliness because I'm no longer holding onto my eating disorder or using my eating disorder to fill that void. But what the hell am I supposed to do to make it better?

It hurts. To feel this way. To look at the future and have it seem exhausting. How can I get up every single day and do this? Every day for the rest of my life...

Why am I falling apart? What do I need to do to take care of myself? Why am I so sad? Underneath everything, I am sad.

xoxo

Mixed feelings

2010-09-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

Oh boy does life feel weird right now. One second I'll be walking to class looking up at the sky and smiling because it's such a lovely day outside, and the next thing I know I'll have the urge to throw my clarinet across the room because I can't play an etude perfectly. Or one minute I'll feel awesome about just running 4 miles and the next I'll be sitting on the floor in my living room feeling lonely and crying. It's exhausting! I know it's because I'm busy, I'm stressed and I'm....feeling real emotions.

Whoa.

It's crazy how much you feel when you allow yourself to. Instead of restricting away my emotions or purging them, I'm actually feeling them. "sitting with them" as they say in therapy. And rather than feeling guilty for feeling sad, or feeling angry for feeling alone, I'm just letting myself feel that "primary" emotion (ok, too much therapy-talk). It is tiring, yes, but it's also refreshing. It's refreshing to pick myself up off of the floor after crying and just moving on, doing the next thing I have to do, rather than having just "engaged" in a behavior to get rid of the feeling before it even came. It's refreshing to feel affection towards the people I'm with, rather than being closed off in my own world.

I've been crying a lot lately. I'm not pms-ing (just throwing that out there). In middle school I was quite sure that every kid in my class had seen me cry at least once. I was just an emotional person. I had high expectations for myself and I was an anxious kid, but also, I cried because I cared. I cared about other people, I cared about what I was studying and learning. That all changed my junior year of high school. So much happened to change me. I lost my passions, I lost my ability to FEEL, I stopped crying and I lost myself. I spent all my time trying to destroy who I was, and it wasn't until recently that I became me again. Whatever that means. But I kind of feel like I'm back.

And hopefully I'll be back to blogging more regularly as well! I just never know how the week will go, which class will pop up random tests and projects or what rehearsal will run late. Also...my computer's hard drive crashed :( So until I find the time to take it in somewhere to get it fixed, I have to do all of my work (and blogging) in the library. I don't mind this, but it does make it so I cannot be sitting in bed at the end of the day and type up my latest post.

Just remember: you are stronger than you think you are

xoxo

Need to wind down

2010-09-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

How can I relax?

There is just so much to do. And being productive does make me feel good. But I'm tired right now and I don't know how to just relax. How to feel okay with myself for not doing my homework RIGHT NOW. At 11:20 pm on a Saturday night. I don't know how to let myself relax anymore. Instead I'm sitting here feeling, honestly, quite depressed. I've just been zooming through the weeks, so so busy. I had class yesterday morning, then straight to support group, straight to work, then to the gym, then to the opera, then home and to bed. Then I woke up this morning and my mom was here for a few hours but then immediately after that I went to work and then I had a lovely dinner out...but now I'm just sitting here with myself not knowing what to do! I just feel sad. I wish I could have really spent time with my mom. I didn't realize that I'd been with her until I was sitting at my desk at work and suddenly it hit me my mom was here. And then I felt like crying. I didn't even get to SIT DOWN with her.

All of a sudden I miss everyone.

the next step

2010-09-23T18:55:00.000-04:00

Am I ready to make the leap to a healthy living blog? Is my BLOG ready to grow up? As I continue my recovery, the bad days are becoming fewer and farther between. Of course I will always have times when I struggle, but I truly feel...well....strong in my recovery. Not recovered, but I have hope. I finally think that it may be possible to FULLY recover. And I think I am well on my way.

This realization is making me smile REALLY big right now.

I only got to this point because I decided I no longer wanted to feel bad. It seriously is a choice to feel better, to feel good about yourself.

Let me brag a little bit. I am taking 19 credit hours (the max. my school allows), I am in the music school (meaning my teacher expects me to practice at least 2 hours a day), I ran a 5k on Saturday, I'm running another in a month exactly. I have a part-time job. I got 100% on my first psychology exam. I did "benissimo" on my Italian test (A+), the lowest score I received on a homework assignment is an 18/20. I have had FOUR great lessons in a row. I ran four miles yesterday. I just finished doing yoga (and it feels amazing) and I made myself a chocolate peanut butter sandwich for a snack.

What the hell does this all mean? Well, for one thing, I'm no genius. For another, I don't feel burnt out or tired. For another, I am excited to do MORE work. And for another, I love myself.

gawd

I'm honestly crying right now. Any normal person would read this and think I must be egotistical, full of myself or a bunch of shit like that. The thing is, I'm just so proud of myself. And you know what, YOU can feel this way too. What I'm trying to say is, recovery IS POSSIBLE. It is possible to get up every day and do what you have to do, to do what you WANT to do. It is possible to do what you have to do and do it WELL. And to FEEL well while you do it. Sure, I'm a little high-maintenance. I have to be in bed before midnight so that I get enough sleep. I have to eat every 2 hours so that I don't start freaking out or trigger my eating disorder. Sure, I still feel guilty about some things. Sure, I'm not the most social person at the moment.

But life feels good.

Last year I couldn't get myself out of bed half of the time. Last year all I wanted in the world was to lose weight, to disappear. The year before that I was drinking myself into oblivion. Before that I walked through the halls of my high school a zombie. I was tired, terrified, sick, alone. I felt personally wrong in the world, as though I did not belong.

It is possible to turn that all around. The time for recovery is NOW.

I love this blog. I love writing and keeping up with other beautiful people dedicated to recovery. But I'm starting to get excited about the idea of creating a health blog. A blog where I can really solidify my recovery by just living. Where I can talk about my healthy eating, working out, music, sleeping, and where I won't discuss (really) my ED or other "issues".

I don't know if that means I would stop this blog...I still have a lot to overcome, I know. But I'm just feeling as though I'm really leaving this ED-focused world and I'm ready to move on. Not forget it, of course. But not focus on it. I have support group every week and I know that will keep me grounded.

I don't know! I'm open to suggestions, comments, views. What do you all think?

Chances are tomorrow will be one of my FREAK OUT RELAPSE days and I'll remember why this blog is so important for me. Not that I don't think it's important, I'm just running out of things to talk about! I feel as though the only advice I have these days is 'suck it up and do what you have to do. It's in your control.'

But it is :) why feel bad any longer? You are beautiful.

Ok. Time for some clarineting.

xoxo

Excited

2010-09-21T18:52:00.000-04:00

I'm excited for the future. For the longest time, I was terrified. I was terrified of getting older, of growing, of becoming an adult. I thought when I became an adult, I would have to have my shit together. I'd have to know things. I always had this image in my head of Older Emily. She was a totally different person. Not me. And so I was always overwhelmed just thinking how I would become this person.

Oh silly me. I am Emily. Always the same person. I was always waiting for the switch. To suddenly become happy and content. But obviously, like everything else, it was a process. Not to say that I think I'm all grown up or anything. But I feel happy. I feel like I am that image of me that I always thought of. This only happened because I got over how overwhelming the future seemed and I started doing what I knew I had to do. I started being proactive in my recovery, in my life.

Now I'm so excited by the possibilities of what else I can do.

I'm excited to run another 5k next month, and then hopefully train for a 10k. I never enjoyed running when I was younger even though I played soccer for about 10 years. But now it's something I cherish and look forward to. It makes me feel amazing. And the only reason it makes me feel so good is because I'm not using it to compensate for eating. I'm not thinking about burning calories or losing weight when I run. I'm thinking about how strong my body is. I'm thinking about how glad I am that I can be healthy and fit enough to run. I'm thinking about what kind of yummy food I can eat when I get home after my run so that I can properly fuel my body for my next run. Oh wow, have times changed!

I'm excited to perform my music. I'm looking forward to playing in a recital, rather than being nervous and dreading it. I'm excited to show people who I am and how hard I've worked.

And I am ready to work on the abuse issues in therapy. I'm ready to overcome my "demons". I'm ready to fight. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to feel even better.

The time for recovery is now. The time to be healthy is now. The time to be happy is now. We have the power to feel better. IT'S TRUE. As corny and stupid as it sounds. I'm not one for being cheesy, trust me. My friends have always described me as being down-to-earth. For being real. And this is the truth. We can decide how we feel.

xoxo

painful

2010-09-20T13:58:00.001-04:00

Well. It was tough. Tougher than I thought it would be.

We started in the typical first session fashion. She'd "read my charts" blah blah blah. I told her about my family, my friends, how I spend my time. I told her how empowered I feel in this fight against my ED. I told her how far I've come but how hard some days are. She asked me what I wanted to take out of therapy this year. I told her I want to deal with things that I've never really talked about before since the eating disorder always takes priority. She asked me what.

And then I got all light-headed and my heart sped up and I didn't know what to say. I said there was this guy I dated when I was 17. I said it feels weird to call it abuse. It seems weird to think that I was in an emotionally, even physically or sexually abusive relationship. But there is no other way to describe it.

And then I said a bunch of things that I've never said out loud to anyone. Things that I have written about on here. I told her about my feelings of sadness, of guilt, of regret. How angry I am at myself for not standing up for who I was back then. How sad I am that I didn't ask for help. How I feel ruined and broken. How, even though I've come so far in my ED recovery, I feel like I've never really dealt with my relationship with Greg. I cried and I cried and I cried. I've never cried in therapy before.

She said how can I be so forgiving of myself in other aspects of my life and so dedicated to recovery, yet I can be so hard on myself for "letting" the abuse happen. She said if I could have done things differently, I would have. I've never really thought of it like that...I did the best I could at the time.

I left the appointment exhausted. It was tough. She said "well, I think we definitely have our work cut out for us". I'm just glad I finally got it all out. And I got it out to someone who I'm paying to help me. I have support group every week to keep me grounded in recovery and I will have therapy every other week to deal with my "other" issues.

Ok.

I'm ready.

xoxo

new therapist

2010-09-19T20:17:00.003-04:00

picture from before the 5k! I'm in the middle

Tomorrow is my first time with the new therapist. Since I've been feeling so wonderful the past 2 days (since the race, yay for endorphins!) I've been thinking oh I don't really need therapy. It's hard to judge sometimes. For me, when times are good, they are great. Life is beautiful. And when they are bad, they are bad. Not to say I'm manic-depressive or anything. It's just, when my eating disorder is strong, it overpowers everything. But when I have a handle on it, life honestly just feels WONDERFUL. I remember having this feeling when I was younger...before the ED. I just love the feeling of vitality. The feeling of seeing, when the beauty of life is illuminated. I feel lucky to get to experience this so often now. Just having so much joy simply walking to class. Or even walking to work. Looking around at the sky and the clouds and smiling and feeling beautiful. But perhaps I can only see how beautiful life is because of how dark it was for me before.

I wrote in my recovery journal why I want to go to therapy so I can take it tomorrow and talk to my therapist.

*I want to continue on with therapy until I feel completely well and completely competent on my own for dealing with what life has for me.

*I want a firm foundation to solidify my recovery

*I want to finally come to terms with what I went through and have tried to block out

*I want help to find balance

I need strategies to deal with

*the desire to smoke and drink

*the desire to "fuck it all" when I'm feeling depressed

*asking for help

*how to know when enough is enough

*I need to know how to let myself relax and not feel guilty about it

*I need to know how to not regret the past and how to make peace with myself. I need help learning how to forgive myself.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend. I cannot believe it's already time to start the week! Time flies when you are very busy! Makes sense ;)

a beautiful song to calm you down for the evening.

much love,

note to self

2010-09-18T12:31:00.002-04:00

my latest Recovery Journal entry:

I, Emily, want to be healthy, beautiful, strong and capable. My eating disorder wants me to be weak, sick, and sad.

-I want to run to be fit. I want to run to keep my body working. I want to run because it makes me feel happy and alive.

- My eating disorder wants me to run to burn calories, to lose weight and to punish myself.

-I, Emily, want to eat vegan to nourish my body with whole, real food. I want to be vegan to express myself and my views on the ethics of food production and animal cruelty. I want to be vegan to be healthy and happy.

-My eating disorder doesn't care what I am as long as I am restricting. My eating disorder doesn't care about my health or my ethical views.

I will do what I need to do to be healthy. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am going to kick ED's ass.

love,

I'm not that strong

2010-09-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

(warning: this post is not very uplifting)

Since group today I've been tired. So tired, mentally and physically. It was tough. I was honest. Other group members called me out on behaviors. And now I'm left with having to deal with this hole I've dug myself into. After such a healthy and beautiful summer, I suddenly feel like I'm back in the depths of my eating disorder.

What the hell am I talking about?

Well, first of all, I go into this stupid thing called DENIAL. This happens when I start engaging in my eating disorder behaviors without even realizing it. This is when I convince myself that becoming vegan is a healthy choice that I want to make. This is when I sign up for a 5k race when I know I'm not eating enough to simply walk around campus. This is when I go on a diet to truly test my recovery. To see if I can lose 10 lbs and then stop. If I can stop when I reach my goal weight, that means I don't have an eating disorder, right? That means I've recovered, right?

But why do I want to lose weight? I don't even know how much I weigh. I still feel confident with myself and my body, why is my eating disorder telling me to become sick again? Or is it not my eating disorder? Do I really want to be vegan? Do I really hate eating meat as much as I think I do? Do I actually dislike cake and cookies? Do I not like eating pasta? Do I like running until it hurts? Do I like running even when I'm sick? I just don't know. I don't know what I like or what I want.

This didn't just happen. I've just been so busy, going along with classes and rehearsals and work that it just now hit me in group today what I've been doing.

It's disappointing. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've let YOU all down. I feel like a horrible example. I feel like a hypocrite. The thing is, my mood hasn't been down. This is the hardest part of the ED to overcome. The part of it that IS a coping mechanism. The part where it's easier to "engage in behaviors" than it is to force myself to eat something I just don't want to. It's not like I desperately want ice cream. I just have no desire to eat it anymore. Ugh. I just feel too tired to fight it right now. I feel too exhausted to challenge my eating disorder. I have too much to do. I'm too busy to put recovery first. This is so horrible to say. To realize. I know it's not true. I know I should put recovery first. But since my ED seems to be helping me more than it's hurting me, I just can't get myself to let go of it right now.

All I know is that I'm terrified of truly relapsing. I also know that my support group was genuinely concerned for me, and I just couldn't take their advice because I feel SO GOOD about myself. I really feel great about life still. I just can't believe I feel so good when I KNOW my eating disorder is getting what it wants. Usually when I'm engaging in my eating disorder I feel sad and tired and fat and sick. But now I still feel strong and beautiful. I feel like a superhero. Ugh, I feel so shameful admitting this. So shameful. Sad. I feel frustrated. Stupid eating disorder GET AWAY FROM ME. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. A girl in group today said that her therapist said it takes most people at least 9 years to overcome their eating disorder. NINE YEARS! I felt like crying when I heard this. So much of my life has been wasted on such a STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. Because of a stupid piece of shit. I can't help but put so much blame on my ex-boyfriend. I know that's not fair. Of course it wasn't because of him. But still. I feel so frustrated. UGH. RAWR.

I am so sorry. I really, really am. How can I be inspiring and beautiful when I have become such an awful example? I have my support group and therapist now, but I feel like I need help from my friends. I just can't ask them. I can't tell them. I tell everyone I am "in recovery" or "I've recovered" when the truth is I've been STRUGGLING for the past 4 or 5 years. There have only been brief periods of time, months, where I felt ok. I just can't admit how much I struggle or struggled. I feel like no one would believe me. I feel like they'd think I was just trying to get attention. The truth is, I just want help. I want someone to say it's ok. I want someone to let me know that I can eat. That I must eat, it's not a choice. I honestly just need to be around people who eat normally. I need to see that it's ok to eat lunch AND dinner. I just can't do it on my own right now. I need to be with people who don't care what my body or their body looks like. This is so hard. I thought I could do it on my own, but I can't.

le sigh.

well I must go to bed...running a 5k in the morning.

xoxo

2010-09-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

food is medicine food is medicine food is medicine food is medicine food is medicine food is medicine not eating is not an option food is medicine food is medicine i cannot afford to lose weight i have no need to lose weight not eating is not an option food is medicine food is necessary not eating is not an option

why is it so hard to remember this sometimes?????

What gives!

2010-09-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

Oh nooo. I woke up with anxiety and dread today! Booooo! This is not cool. Especially since it's FRIDAY! Who wakes up dreading a Friday? But I have that feeling of just wanting to stay in bed and avoid my responsibilities. The thing is....all I have is one (lecture) class, and work later on.

And.

SUPPORT GROUP!!!!!!!

Now I'm feeling a little more excited than anxious. Well. No. Still anxious. But anyway, yep, today I get to go back to support group here at school :) The time it meets doesn't really work for me, but today I'm able to attend and we're going to talk about switching the time.

Perhaps I'm anxious about group? Most of my friends from last year will not be returning, which makes me very sad AND it makes me nervous to meet the new people. I love meeting people and talking to people, but I'm always afraid when going to a support group to meet new people. What if someone is very ill and it triggers me? I've been lucky that all the support groups I've attended had people who were quite along in recovery, so none of us got competitive or anything, but who knows now....we shall see! I will try to remain honest with myself AND with the group. Also, I have my first therapy appointment on Monday so I will be able to talk about any concerns I have with my therapist.

Remembering that I have group and therapy is really calming me down. I honestly just let out a sigh of relief. Having that support makes me feel safe. Although I've been doing a good job (I think) of staying on track with recovery all summer by myself (that's a lie, I couldn't have done it without all of you!) I'm excited and ready for some extra help now. It can get exhausting on your own! Even though I've been following my meal plan all week, my ED thoughts have been INSANE. Not insane as in calculating calories or "fat talking", my self-image has been quite good, no, my ED thoughts have been crazy as in TOTALLY going into denial about ever having an eating disorder. It just feels like it was fake? Or my therapist didn't know what the hell she was talking about? I just feel disassociated with the girl who used to struggle so much. But this worries me, because whenever I get like this I usually end up relapsing some how. At least I'm recognizing my thoughts! But still....I almost called to say I wasn't going to go to group because I never had an ED. Oh gosh. Maybe I was not mentally ill but mentally insane.

I will be sure to let you all know how group goes!

xoxo

It's not a competition

2010-09-16T16:02:00.000-04:00

Growing up with 3 siblings, everything in my life has been a competition despite my mom being quite literate on the book Siblings Without Rivalry. As a musician, the only way to "make it" is to be ambitious, to be the best. In school we compete for scholarships, for sports. It is quite easy for everything to become a competition, especially when you have a perfectionist personality.

However, your eating disorder should not be a competition. I cannot stress this enough. The ONLY person (who isn't actually real) who cares about how sick or how thin you become is ED. Your eating disorder. I know, Ed has a mind of his own. But when I see girls posting pictures of themselves emaciated, or documenting every meal they have, I can't help but think the only people who are interested are other people struggling with an eating disorder. And despite any intentions the person posting may have, the pictures are triggering. They are triggering to anyone who has had an eating disorder and they are sad to anyone who has not. This is not a competition to see who has been the sickest.

Recovery is also not a competition. The idea of recovery can be so overwhelming. I mean, we go from being perfect at our eating disorder, to having to be perfect at recovering. Any slip-up means we fail, we're useless, we'll never recovery. But recovery is a process. Just as none of us developed an eating disorder overnight, none of us can recover over night. Some people may recover more quickly than others, but that does not mean they are better. That does not mean their eating disorder is any less valid (though who cares? Only Ed). And that does not mean that just because it may take you longer that you do not have the potential to recover. We all have the potential to recover. You simply have to see that it IS possible. Full recovery IS an option. And you just have to choose it.

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.
-Coco Chanel

Now I must go practice.

Ciao!

A typical weekday in the life of Emily

2010-09-14T21:48:00.000-04:00

Just to give you an idea of why my brain is too frazzled to write in the evenings:

7:30 am wake up, eat breakfast, drink coffee, get dressed, brush teeth

8 am go to work on Mondays OR lesson on Fridays

9/10am music theory OR ear training lecture

10/11 am music theory OR ear training drill

12:20 pm Italian class

1:30 pm walk back to the house for lunch

2:30 pm rehearsal Mon/Weds/Thurs OR work Friday

4:00 pm practice

5:00 pm eat dinner

5:45-7 pm Psychology lecture on Tues/Thurs

7:30-9 pm practice OR 7:30-10:30 studio class on Thurs

10 pm homework, run, cook food for tomorrow, think about updating blog

11 pm too tired to update blog, shower, get out clothes, set coffee-maker

MIDNIGHT: in bed

I have not skipped a single class. I would NOT have been able to handle this last year. Last year I had 3 fewer credit hours, I only worked one day a week, and I skipped half of my classes. Although I managed to get all A's and B's, I felt guilty all the time. I also felt tired, sick, and overwhelmed. I have way more to accomplish this year, yet I feel eager each morning to start the day. In the past, my anxiety has been the worst in the morning. Somedays it would be so terrible that I couldn't get myself out of bed simply because the idea of going to class or eating breakfast, or even getting dressed seemed daunting. I entertained negative thoughts in my head AT ALL TIMES. The only thing that is different about me now is how I think about myself. Nothing really happened to change the way I think. I didn't suddenly receive a full-ride scholarship. I didn't finally reach my "dream weight". I didn't get first chair in the Philharmonic orchestra. The only reason I feel better about myself now is because I chose to feel better. So instead of thinking, oh when I recover and I'm healthy, then I'll just end up liking myself. No, you have to decide RIGHT now to think differently about yourself. I know my posts are often along the same lines now, but I just cannot emphasize enough how important it is to treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. That is simply the matter. I was my own worst enemy for a long, long time. And I had to live with myself everyday. It sucked. Be your own best friend. It's corny, but feeling good is SO worth it.

Alright. Now I must study for my Italian exam.

Buonanotte!

No regret

2010-09-12T14:37:00.002-04:00

The past often threatens to overcome me and drag me back down, but lately I've been working on looking forward rather than looking back. It is easy for me to feel as though I have wasted my chance to be good, pure, successful. As though what I have been through/done to myself has ruined any hope of finding lasting contentment and happiness.

Yesterday morning I felt like my old self. My old self as in depressed, filled with hatred and despair towards who I am. I tried on 20 different outfits, I was appalled by how fat I looked, I felt dirty and wrong and as though no one would or could accept me for me. I was invited to a party last night that I had originally decided not to go to. I initially decided I wouldn't go because I'm not ready for that kind of situation. I am still too vulnerable and too (weak?) easily tipped over the edge, to the unhealthy side. I was making the healthy decision to avoid such a destructive environment. Sure, some people can go to party's and keep their sense of self, but not I. Not yet. But yesterday, as I sat on the floor of my room in despair, I decided fuck it. I'll go. I have nothing else. I just need to feel something else. I'll just go be that crazy, messed up girl that I am. I'll go drink into oblivion or get high enough that everything feels good.

And then I had this moment of clarity. I looked out the window and thought 'how is it possible that just yesterday I felt like a new, beautiful person, and now here I am again where I always was before' and I remembered that I have to consciously CHANGE my mind in order to feel better. I have to make the effort to think differently about myself and about life. Every decision I make and every thought I think will put me in a certain direction. I decided to reject the thoughts (no matter how true they FELT) and I changed them. I may feel fat, I may think I am undesirable and unlovable, but if I continue on thinking that way, I will turn into that person. I will become bitter, sad, and sick.

So I changed into my yoga pants and a flowery, pretty top that makes me feel comfortable, I made some tea, I sat down in the middle of the living room and I thought. I reflected.

I can do more. I can be more. I can feel better. Unfortunately, I'm predisposed to feeling bad about myself. But if I put the effort into feeling better, I can. Just because my view of myself was so drastically changed a few years ago, just because I lost sight of what I wanted in life and I forgot what it felt like TO live, does not mean I cannot regain that vitality. I was reminded of a quote that a beautiful person shared with me:

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.

-Maya Angelou

I must forgive myself for the past so that I can live my life unhindered today. So I can grow and be happy.

Today is a beautiful day.

la vita é bella

xoxo

winner

2010-09-11T23:33:00.001-04:00

I sincerely apologize for taking so long to announce the winner, but through the "random number generator" thingy (google it) the winner of the Giveaway is #18, Miriam! Congrats girlie, I will be sending your email to CSN so they can send you your gift card!

I am having a lovely day- I made granola, took a walk around campus, and I'm now watching my favorite movie in the world Amélie.

much love,

On addiction...

2010-09-10T13:21:00.000-04:00

http://goop.com/newsletter/36/en/

Joy

2010-09-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

I am in between classes at the moment so I do not have much time, but I realized something today-

I am filled with so much joy, so often. I have energy. I am happy. I am proud to be me.

This time last year I was agonizing over my image in the mirror and the number on the scale, I was binging and purging (through exercise), I was light headed and tired from restricting during the day, I was drinking too often, getting high instead of going to sleep, and I just didn't have the desire to go to class or to study. I got through the year, but every single day was a struggle. Every single day I battled with myself in my own mind. I was filled with anxiety for each upcoming day and I constantly had that feeling of impending doom.

If someone had told me that in exactly one year I would feel strong, healthy, and content, I would have scoffed. Impossible. I struggled for so long, how could I get over everything? Well, with hard work and persistence. My therapist told me that people do recover. You simply have to believe that, and then dedicate yourself to recovery. I work hard every day to be as productive as I can, but also to take care of myself. My self-worth no longer depends on how much I ate on a certain day, or the grade I got on an exam. Life goes on. Tomorrow is a new day and I can keep trying to grow and become even better.

I will probably be getting the symbol of recovery tattooed on my arm in the near future. I've thought about it for ages, well, for years even. I've thought I don't deserve the symbol. I'm not recovered. I'll never be recovered. Or if I relapse and I have the tattoo I will be a failure. I've thought about how I might be ashamed when I am older to have this reminder of my eating disorder. But today I decided that I will never be ashamed of the hard work I put in to get better. I want the symbol to remind me what life used to be like. Even in 10 years, in 20 years, I want to remember that I have the choice to feel better. I have the choice to do whatever I want. I will not let my past dictate my future. I do not want the tattoo as a reminder that I suffered, but more of a reminder of my decision to be healthy and whole. And I will always have that choice. I deserve to feel proud of my recovery. And I do.

time for my psychology class!

CIAO!

Giveaways

2010-09-07T19:42:00.003-04:00

long time, no blog!

I'm so sorry for the lag in posting. I wish I could say that I've been out-of-town or performing in a concert or something cool like that, but in all honesty, I've simply been busy with everyday life- classes, homework, practicing, sleeping, eating, running, recovering- same old, same old. By the time I get home and in my pajamas, my mind is too fuzzy for me to form coherent sentences.

I am going to be honest with you lovely people (of course). I was struggling these past few days. I even started calorie counting and restricting again. I know, wtf. I just had so much on my plate (sorry for the pun), that I returned to my old coping mechanism without even giving it much thought. Well, I did give it a thought. And my thought was "This will be the ultimate test of my recovery, if I can lose a predetermined amount of weight in a healthy manner, and then stop once I've reached my goal".

Oh dear. Ed is getting very, very desperate.

Of course, if there had not been some crazy alignment of the universe, or an incredible amount of luck, or whatever you want to call it, I probably would not have been able to get myself back on track as quickly as I have (and trust me, I am back in recovery business). What happened? Well, I won the most recent giveaway on Ashley and Stephen's blog (never home)maker. -a copy of Caitlin Boyle's book Operation Beautiful. I had commented on their blog about a week ago to have a chance in winning. Honestly, I figured I had a very little shot at winning since they choose a person at random, and so it was purely by luck that I won. Yipeeeee. Upon finding out via email that I won, I thought 'well gosh, I can't relapse now!' and I have since wrenched myself back into recovery mode. I mean, sure, it would be nice if I never had these annoying slip-ups, but I will keep doing what I have to do. Which basically means I need to eat and I need to be honest with myself.

Sorry for such a rambling paragraph, I really think that I'm using up all of my ability to write, think, and speak eloquently during the day, and so now I'm left with a shriveled up and tired brain.

But, you know what? life is beautiful. I am reminded of this every day.

Anyway, speaking of giveaways, I have been so graciously offered the opportunity to host my own by the lovely people at CSN stores. They have something for everyone, and I wish I had had one of their giftcards last week when I was furnishing my house from yardsales, but all you have to do is check out one of their websites to find everything from coffeetables to yoga mats.

Here's the lowdown:

PRIZE: $45 gift certificate to use online at any of the CSN stores

TO ENTER: Just leave me a comment telling me about a time something good happened to you unexpectedly. Please leave me your email address!

GIVEAWAY CLOSES: Friday Sept. 10th

*this is open only to the USA and Canada*

I will then randomly select a winner (using the handy-dandy random number picker thingy) and announce that person on Saturday. Good luck!

I will try to get back to posting regularly now that life is settling back into a routine.

much love

Inside the mind of a recovering anorexic

2010-09-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

Well. I did it. I called the Health Center and made an appointment with a new therapist.

Reasons why it was hard for me to make an appointment:

1. Although I now have a job, I don't feel quite secure with all of my financial issues and therapy still seems like a privilege that I could do without.

2. I've been going strong for 4 months during the summer without a therapist, why should I get one now?

3. I want to get rid of the "sick" part of me, but going to therapy seems like holding onto it

4. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't have an eating disorder or any other issues. (oh, really?)

Reasons why I called:

1. Honestly, I know that I am still battling this mental illness, despite whether or not I have physical symptoms, or whether or not I am giving into my eating disorder, it's still occupying a lot of my time and energy and I need all the help I can get to fight it and keep it out.

2. I was called yesterday about support group starting up and my first thought was "I need to lose X lbs before group or else I don't deserve to be there" having this thought terrifies me, and I know I need to go to group and therapy without giving into the thought so that I can work on overcoming it. When I am "engaging" in my eating disorder behaviors I go into complete denial about the issue. Only when I am actively fighting for recovery do I realize that this is real.

I think that I am at a very crucial point in my recovery right now. I have been overwhelmed with ED thoughts lately, comparing myself to other girls on campus, being tempted to restrict, overexercise, etc. I have come so close to completely giving into my eating disorder that it ABSOLUTELY terrifies me. I know that any power I give ED is too much. He will take it and turn it into more. When my mind is sick and starved and controlled by my ED, there is really no way to reason with it. I don't want to get to the point where my therapist has to threaten inpatient. I do not want to get to the point where my mom has to "refeed" me because I cannot eat on my own. I do not want to cry every time I look at myself in the mirror because of how "fat" I am. I do not want to feel like there is a brick wall between me and a smoothie, when all I want with my whole heart is to have it, but I know I "can't" because ED is stopping me.

I do not want to go back to that. But it takes every ounce of strength I have to resist it and fight it. Everyday. Multiple times a day. Every time I eat I am making a choice, and I feel as though I need a new reason each time. I don't want eating to be so unnatural. Normal people don't follow a meal plan, for goodness sake. But ideas for new diets and ways to lose weight run through my head everyday, and I'm getting kind of tired of it. I'm resisting, but it's tiring. I want my therapist and support group on my side.

I also want to talk to my therapist about the abuse. Something I have never really done. I've touched on it briefly in support group and therapy, but my overwhelmingly strong eating disorder always took precedent. I also want to talk about my anxiety. Stupid ED always takes front and center and I never get anything else done in therapy. Hopefully this year will be different.

This year, I want to recover once and for all.

Is that possible? I know it's not. (ugh) It makes me feel ill when I think about how much of my life has been preoccupied with ED thoughts for the past 4 or so years. Basically every waking second of every day. Well. I mean. It's definitely settled down. Yet, even though I'm not bombarded with disordered thoughts, now I'm constantly thinking about recovery and how to fight those thoughts. What the hell do normal people think about? I get glimpses of it occasionally, when I can think about a cute boy in class, or worry about an audition, but at the end of the day, my thoughts most often are concerned with did I eat enough? If it was so easy for me to eat, does that mean I never had an eating disorder? Does that mean I shouldn't go to group? Will this madness ever end??

Ok, that turned into quite a crazy post. The bottom line is, I made an appointment with a therapist. Phewwww. My hands were honestly shaking. But I've calmed down now. It's not until Sept. 20, so I have time to think about what I want to take out of therapy this year. I also have plenty of time to call back and cancel the appointment.

(Ugh. I wish Ed would get the hell out of my head. He's telling me that if I go to therapy I will then have someone I must be held accountable with, meaning I can't go back to my ED. And if I do relapse, then I will be wasting my money in therapy. )

I am stopping this post before it gets anymore out of control.

Good day to you all! Oh, and btw, stick around for an upcoming giveaway

xoxo

Super (good) foods

2010-09-01T20:08:00.001-04:00

Well if this is how the entire year will go, my blog will surely suffer! My mind is just completely swamped at the moment with so many responsibilities that I cannot construct a cohesive post. I've started approximately 4 of them today, each one with it's own topic that I would really like to discuss (support group, meal plan, anger and denial) but I just can't seem to focus enough to actually write something that makes sense. Instead I just woke up on the couch from a nap that I don't exactly remember lying down to take.

Oh well.

I guess spontaneous napping is a side effect of college that cannot be ignored. It just happens.

While I'm sitting here enjoying a quiet evening in the house (a rare event, since I'm living with four percussionists/drummers) I'm suddenly inspired to share some of my favorite foods that I honestly would not have been weight restored without. As you can probably tell from the name of my blog, chocolate is my absolute favorite food. Preferably dark chocolate, but I think there is a time and place for milk chocolate, and evvvven white chocolate. Well. Maybe not white chocolate.

my current "medication" of choice, residing happily on the shelf in my room (though not for long)

I know that I don't need to go into the mental AND physical health benefits of dark chocolate since we all know that chocolate is only like the greatest food on the planet, basically. If Ed tells you that you cannot eat chocolate, it's only because he's being selfish and wants it all for himself. What a meanie. I would gladly share the bliss that is chocolate with anyone. Well, on second thought. Maybe if you trade me something for it.

Something like peanut butter.

My other favorite food. And probably the only reason why I am able to maintain my current weight. Without peanut butter (crunchy, of course) I would probably still be a sick girl. Now, peanut butter can be used and abused because it's a major binge food for many of us, so it needs to be treated with respect. But once you learn how to master peanut butter, there is no looking back. Any day where I sense I may be in a calorie deficit and I want to actively put Ed in his place, all I need are a couple spoonfuls of PB. And I could seriously just eat it straight out of the jar. And by could, I mean I just did eat it straight out of the jar about 30 minutes ago.

Along with peanut butter goes ice cream (which should be treated just like peanut butter, aka it can be eaten straight out of the carton when necessary, just make sure you know it's YOU eating it by the spoonful and not Ed telling you to). And along with ice cream goes smoothies. A smoothie a day keeps the doctor away. My favorite smoothie at the moment is called a Green Monster. I found it from Angela Liddon's blog Oh She Glows (she is a great inspiration for being healthy, balanced, and happy).

For my favorite green monster, place about 5 ice cubes in the blender, a banana (I like to freeze mine), a spoonful of peanut butter (duh), a dash of cinnamon, enough soy milk that it mixes, and a couple handfuls of spinach. Yep. You read that right. Spinach. Another wonderful superfood, which Ed thankfully lets most of us eat. It turns the smoothie a brilliant shade of green, but all you taste is peanut buttery banana goodness.

Well. There you have it. My key foods for fighting Ed. What can you not go a day without?

I hope you all have a wonderful evening.

xoxo,

Never good enough

2010-08-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

Two posts in one day! Two posts in one BUSY day! Well, I needed to write, so I am. You probably all know this, but writing is such a helpful form of therapy for me. Not just because I receive so much wonderful support, but also because having to find words to articulate how I feel each day has allowed me to grow and learn.

Anyway.

I wouldn't have had time to write if I hadn't made this realization. I was in the middle of practicing a particularly tough etude for my audition tomorrow. I had started practicing about 2.5 hours ago, and by this time my mouth was sore, my right wrist was aching and my left wrist was throbbing. Not ideal. Of course, I was set on practicing straight through the pain when suddenly I realized...I will never be perfect. And in my never-ending quest for perfection I have 1. developed carpal tunnel and tendonitis in my wrists/arms from practicing too much (3 years ago) 2. starved myself.

In both of those endeavors (to be the best musician/to be thin) I harmed myself very badly, physically and mentally. I don't know what it is that causes me to be such a die hard (literally) perfectionist. Perhaps it's because I have a twin sister and I've always compared myself (and felt inferior) to her. Perhaps it's because we are taught as musicians that no amount of practicing is enough and you can always do more. Perhaps it's because my mom taught all of us kids that we can do whatever we want, and the only thing preventing us is a lack of hard work and dedication. Perhaps it's because when I finally fell in love with someone, it was with a boy who did not respect any part of me. Most likely it's because of all of those things (plus the nature of my personality, of course.)

But I do not want to continue living feeling like I'll never be good enough. There is always this image of my Perfect Me in my head and I will be unhappy with myself until I am her. She is not real. She is unattainable.

This year I want to push myself enough to progress and be productive, but I want to stop when I know I have done enough. I may not be the best judge of this, but it's something I really hope to work on (with feedback from my friends/others).

All I want in life is to be content with myself. I know that is a huge thing to ask for, but I just don't think I can go on living such an exhausting life of constantly being disappointed with myself, when in retrospect I have a lot to be proud of.

I am in my 5th month of recovery, almost 6.

I am proud of myself.

love,

A moment of respite

2010-08-30T16:52:00.001-04:00

I am taking this (rare) moment of free time that I have right now to center myself, to relax, and to remind myself what I'm working towards. I am so easily overwhelmed that I now recognize how much I need times like this.

Since my mind is quite a jumble I'm going to quickly jot down what is running through it right now and I apologize for the lack of eloquence: (today was the first day of classes. and my first day of work. I had work this morning and my boss is such a sweet man. I'm technically not allowed to start working until all of the forms have been processed, but he said he would (basically) pay out of his pocket for me to work for him starting tomorrow. I still feel so lucky to have this opportunity to work for him, despite the fact that my shift will most likely start at 8 am, since that's my only free time. Classes were fun and exciting and intriguing. I'm happy to see all of my friends in the music school. Everyone is now tan and full of life, it's refreshing. My Italian teacher is seriously insane. I'm kind of a little bit in love with him. He is so young and he only spoke Italian to us all day and at the end he said 'as you can tell by my name, I'm not actually Italian.' what. he's not actually Italian? what. I totally thought he was. But, nope, his name is David and he's absolutely amazing. I have my second audition tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure what I should play for it. I also have my psychology class that I'm very excited for. Something I completely forgot about was buying textbooks. Crap. I was reminded, however, that the first two therapy sessions of the year are free, so I might make one soon. If I have time. I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night but I'm still feeling quite exhausted. I'm amazed, though, by the capacity of my brain! I have so much going through it and I can still keep everything in track. I think. I hope.)

Deeeeeeeep breath.
I will take on life as if comes. I am excited to learn. I am excited to improve my musical skills. I am excited to make new connections with people. Although I'm feeling tired right now, I know if I eat properly and sleep well, I will have the strength to have a successful year. I really want to do well. The past few years of my life have been so draining and quite negative overall. I want to turn it all around. I just hope I can keep this up.

Sorry for the choppiness of this post. I'm just trying to process everything that is going on!
Much love,

Grocery store crisis

2010-08-29T11:59:00.000-04:00

My friend and I were going through the shops last night looking for a cute plant for his dorm room when we eventually found ourselves in the grocery store. I didn't even realize I was there until we made it entirely through the plant aisle and I was smack dab in the middle of the produce section.

He wanted to grab something for dinner.

E: Ok, cool, no problem.

Z: There is plenty of prepared food to choose from we could get sushi, sandwiches, pizza...

E: Oh, don't worry about me, I have some spinach and carrots back at home.

Z: That's not a proper dinner.

E: um. but I'm not hungry? Oh wait, yes I am. I feel kind of dizzy.

then I look up at him and give him a panicked look

I must be the most bizarre person ever. Grocery stores completely overwhelm me. After taking about 10 minutes to NOT find something for dinner, I suddenly realized I should take the opportunity of being in the grocery store to do my grocery shopping. It just makes too much sense.

But a panic attack was on it's way. Deep breath. Where the hell am I. Why is there an entire aisle of SLICED BREAD. What am I going to eat? I pick up a package of rolls, walk through two more aisles and then set them down. I don't need those. I have bread at the house. I look at 4 different kinds of soy milk. Soy milk. Do I even need soy milk? I could just eat my cereal plain for breakfast, I suppose...What the hell am I going to have for dinner everyday?! I guess I could buy 6 bananas and have one with peanut butter each night. Wait, what the fuck is going on. That is not a dinner. But I'm suddenly too tired and overwhelmed to even think about food or even have the desire to eat. So I set my basket on the floor, look at Zach with wide eyes and say

"you know what, I don't need to eat dinner. Screw it, it's too complicated. If I don't eat dinner then I don't have to worry about figuring out what to have for dinner or worry about preparing it or worry about paying for it! Gosh, that was easy. All of my problems are solved"

Z: Emily, you are going crazy.

huh. what. oh gosh. someone pleeeease just do my shopping for me. when did I turn into such an incompetent child? I have done the grocery shopping for my entire family since I was a freshman in high school. I have meal-planned for years and years and I have cooked dinner every night of the week for 6 people. Suddenly, though, when I am on my own, I have no obligation to actually cook. To actually eat.

I was really going into panic mode after these thoughts were settling in my mind. All I had in my basket so far were tomatoes, frozen veggies, soy milk, and an avocado. Ed was shopping for me. And I am very sorry to admit that Ed shopped for me. Ugh.

But all was not lost, at least. I was walking down the frozen aisle when I heard someone softly calling

"Emily, Emily"

h u h ?

And there in front of me was my dear sweet friend from support group! Oh how I LOVE HER. And how comforting and beautiful it was to see her THERE, when I was in the middle of a total ED crisis. We talked quickly about our anxieties and agreed to meet up soon and I left that aisle feeling a little more at peace. I left the store realizing what had happened. I let my ED overwhelm me and take advantage of the opportunity. I was completely unprepared to go into the store and take on my shopping for the week. I now know that I need to plan at home exactly what I am going to buy and eat and NOT listen to Ed. I can't take him on, though, on my own. I need my shopping list to fight him.

Alright, time for me to get my Sunday in gear. Audition #1 today!

xoxo,

Happy

2010-08-27T16:43:00.004-04:00

Today I:

1. got a job

2. ate breakfast and lunch

3. felt beautiful

Now. To review those in more detail.

1. I am going to be the personal office assistant for a (highly regarded) professor in the Counseling and Psychology department at my university. I am so incredibly excited for this job. I will be working 'behind the scenes' at my school's counseling department and they said I will have the opportunity to observe certain therapy sessions, help with various group work, and learn how an educational counseling facility works, in addition to basic office work. I feel so lucky to have been chosen for the job and I will really cherish this opportunity. I can potentially keep the job for my remaining time at IU if I do well enough. I cannot stop smiling, I am so happy to finally have a job. I now feel secure and content. I will be able to afford food. If I work enough, I will be able to attend support group. If I work even more, I will be able to afford my own therapy.

2. I was feeling incredibly, incredibly anxious this morning (and all week in general...and well, my whole life) and I knew that my eating disorder would really have a field day if I let my lack of appetite dictate whether or not I ate breakfast. But I ate it anyway. Then came lunchtime. I was waiting by my cell phone for the professor to call me about the job. I had some time to think. I knew that not eating would not really relieve my anxiety, though it might placate it for a while. But what got me to eat lunch was realizing that in the long run, whether 2 hours from now or 2 months, eating simply because I must eat is the right thing to do. I cannot let my emotions or my anxiety determine when I'm going to eat. In the long run, consistently eating will alleviate my anxiety. Consistently eating will cure me of my ED. I hope. Food is medicine. I must eat to live. Although I still feel slightly anxious now, I will not let my feelings stop me from eating dinner. No matter how hard it will be, I must eat dinner. And I will.

3. I just feel good about myself today. Of course, some of that is because I landed this great part-time job. But also, I'm just proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for eating. How silly that would seem to a 'normal' person. I used to pride myself in not eating. Now when I don't eat I feel sad and weak. I feel proud that I'm doing that right thing for myself. And doing the right thing makes me feel beautiful. Healthy. Strong.

la vita é bella

xoxo

Still Struggling

2010-08-26T14:15:00.001-04:00

(Thank you for your words of encouragement yesterday) I ended up having some cereal for dinner and feeling better afterwards. I'm not too sure what has gotten into me, though. I made myself a sweet potato just now, ate half of it, and now I'm staring at the other half of it not knowing what to do. I mean...I know I should eat it. I should eat it plus more. But there went my appetite. Back is the feeling of complete exhaustion and not wanting to touch food. I have no desire to eat this thing. It's staring at me. Stupid orange sweet potato with melted butter. There is still some on my fork. I set it down mid-bite.

Could that small incident of not eating lunch yesterday seriously have put me so far back in my recovery? I haven't skipped a meal all summer, but suddenly

WHAM BAM BODY SLAM

after just one missed meal I am stuck.

Stuck.

This blows. Where the fuck is my strength, courage and all the rest of that bullshit I talk about on here. Where did it go!? Ok. I am going to take a deep breath right now.

Food is medicine.

Deep breath.

Calm down.

Go away anxiety.

(Taking a bite of sweet potato. Chewing and swallowing.

Tastes like nothing. Have my taste buds disappeared? )

I guess I'll just have to do what I have to do. I have to eat.

Sorry for the bum post, but it is a beautiful day outside! Truly gorgeous.

Now, to finish this damn potato.

xoxo

Some help please

2010-08-25T18:34:00.000-04:00

Hi.

Um.

Help.

So I've been feeling good. No body image issues or anything. Been eating well the past few days. Then I got locked out of the house for 4 hours, right after my workout when I should have eaten lunch, so I missed lunch. Now it's dinner time. I have no appetite. I have no desire to eat. Thinking about food is exhausting me. I just feel tired. But I think this is ED taking advantage of the fact that I wasn't able to eat lunch. Now I'm thinking, well I missed lunch, I can miss dinner too. I've had some carrots but I just didn't even taste them or want them. I'm kind of freaking out. There is food I can eat, most of it I would need to prepare though. Ohhhh how I wish I had someone to just put the food in front of me and tell me to eat! I can't ask the people I'm living with for help, I would seem like a freak. "hi, tell me to eat dinner"

UGHHHH.

I'm sorry, I have posts like this occasionally. Maybe writing will help me. I'm still just too tired to think about it though.

You do not have to be good...

2010-08-25T12:31:00.001-04:00

~Wild Geese

Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

I had been trying to be good for my entire life. Trying to earn my parent's approval, support and love. Trying to make up for how wrong I was for simply being alive. I had been seeking validation in every action I did- getting good grades, agreeing with mom on everything, rarely going out with my friends because it made me feel guilty. This lasted all the way through middle school and half of high school. Then I dated Greg. And as that year progressed I went from trying to be good enough for him, to realizing that I was no longer worthy of anything or anyone. I stopped trying to be good. I knew I couldn't be. And that's when the self-destruction started. Not intentionally, of course. My restricting was because of a mix of reasons- anxiety, fear, my need to be perfect. But in the end, I began drinking, smoking, cutting, etc, as a way to break myself down. To slowly get rid of this person who was so vile and unworthy, this person who did not deserve to feel good, pretty, or beautiful. It was what I (thought I) deserved.

As you all know, I have slowly been recovering from this mindset and way living (dying) for the past few years. I have been trying so much to reach balance and contentment. It's hard for me, though, to keep in mind that I still do not have to be good. I do not have to exhaust myself to become a perfect person in order to earn the love and support of others. I simply have to 'let the soft animal of my body love what it loves' and I will receive love in return. Simply by being kind to myself, I will, ultimately, be doing good to myself, and to everyone.

As Mary Oliver also said

"Mostly, I want to be kind.

and nobody, of course, is kind,

or mean,

for a simple reason"

from Dogfish

Of course our reasons are not simple. We all have a story- "tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine", but the pure truth is, we are all just trying to live. Life is beautiful, full of the crazy and the unknown, but we have the power to be whoever we want.

Have a lovely day,

xoxo

the paper crane- a symbol of my recovery. Photo credit to my friend E.

Home

2010-08-24T09:47:00.003-04:00

Well, my financial situation is still the same as the other day, but I am definitely in a better mood this morning because my house has finally become a home! Thanks to a $10 recliner found on Craigslist, a crazy $70 old pull-out bed/couch found in the classifieds and some random odds and ends brought from our various homes, my friends and I have made quite a lovely place for us to live. I honestly feel like I'm at home. It's relaxing.

half of the kitchen-my basil plant in the window and bowl of fruit :) All pictures are from my friend E.

I also feel much better about life because I got in a great practice session yesterday. Similar to a "runner's high" I get..well I suppose a..."musician's high" after practicing or performing. It's great incentive to go practice some more. Also great incentive is the audition I have on Sunday. EEEK.

handmade decorations in the 'living room'

I am starting to think that I might not return to therapy this year. Or support group. Besides food and school, all other expenses are starting to seem extremely frivolous. I mean...I am living fine in the world at the moment, so why should I get the luxury of $20 therapy every week? I mean, my anxiety can still be overwhelming at times, but I've been dealing with that for my entire life! But, honestly, after getting a $10 comfy chair, I cannot justify spending any more on anything else.

our first dinner that I made for everyone. tacos! (free table btw)

The weather has been really great, and that is definitely helping my mood. I just wish my feelings weren't always so unstable! I was feeling quite lonely for some reason when I first moved in, despite living with friends. It must have been because the house was unfurnished and didn't feel like home. That is fixed now. I am kind of terrified of starting classes next week, just because it's SO overwhelming. I need to take a deep breath. I can get through this all. I can. I can. Deep breath. AHHH I wish I had an anxiety support group!

furniture= $80 total

I am sorry I have not been able to comment on many blogs lately. I really hope that I'll be able to do more of that in the future! As you can imagine, there is a lot going on here, but I want to be able to keep up with all of you! I love and miss you all.

xoxo

Me and my friend Evan with our artwork. Made entirely out of coffee filters and wooden push-pins. I think this officially makes us 'hipsters' (p.s. Ev took all of these pictures!)

Avoiding Responsibilities

2010-08-22T11:30:00.000-04:00

What I need to do

1. find a job

2. make and appt. with my new therapist (only if I find a job though)

3. make a budget

4. drop my gender studies class and add a psychology class

5. practice my clarinet for auditions

6. find out who the hell else is in town so I can see people!

Well, I am totally moved into the house. It is beautiful and peaceful and I can't wait to put up pictures for you all to see. Unfortunately, I left my camera connector cord at home (4 hours away) but I will find a way to take pictures! I am very stressed out for all of the above reasons. Until I find a job, I only have $20 a week to spend. Despite working all summer and earning around $3000, I have only about $500 in the bank right now because I had to use the work money for my tuition, bleh. Oh well, such is life. It's just very stressful because, first of all, the $20 does not buy very much at the store, so I'm really nervous about my food situation. Also, $20 is how much my therapy co-pay is, and not the mention support group is $10 a week. Soooooo, basically it's between buy therapy each week or buy food each week, and obviously food is the most important. But damn, I could use a therapist right now. Or a job. The only issue is, my schedule for the school year is extremely full, so I really hope that when I have a job and money to spend I will also have time left for therapy and group! We shall see. As of now, I'm just too anxious to go out to find a job.

Ughhh

Oh, a bit of good news, when I went back to the doctor on Thursday my blood pressure was normal! My doctor said anxiety can make it higher, and I must have been anxious for that last appointment. Well duh. How about some meds now to calm my anxiety? Did I tell you all? I was too anxious to talk about my anxiety with my doctor so I didn't. I really regret that now. I just want this feeling to go away! I think I could be so much more productive and feel so much better about life if it was just gone. Oops, I just turned that good news into bad news.

Things I hate:

1. anxiety

2. money (or lack thereof)

Things I love:

1. hardwood floors

2. peanut butter

I hope you all have a wonderful day

xoxo

Quick Break

2010-08-18T23:21:00.000-04:00

I am going to be extremely busy these next few days (work, packing, doctor's appt, seeing friends for the last time, work, packing, last family dinner, driving to school, moving in, getting situated, practicing for auditions, starting classes and school) so I don't know if I will have the time or energy to post. I will definitely be reading your blogs when I have a spare moment, but I just wanted to give you all a heads up so I will not appear to be M.I.A.

my adorable house at school

Yes, I am anxious.

I'm anxious about every single thing that is coming up, but I know I can get through it all. I thank you lovely readers for your continued support and love. I really appreciate every word of advice you give.

I know everything will be fine. I will be getting a therapist within the next week. I will find out more about the high blood pressure situation tomorrow at the doctor's. I will be back at school with my lovely friends. Everything will be new and fresh and exciting. And nerve-wracking. But I'm ready. I'm prepared. Or I will be once I pack all of my life into boxes and into the car.

Sorry my thoughts are so scattered. So much to do! I am doing pretty well. My eating is quite good, despite the ED thoughts surrounding the health issue, and I'm trying to keep a clear mind and healthy body image. I am determined not to let ED take advantage of the next few weeks.

I hope you can all be strong as well

xoxo

Rationalizing

2010-08-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

deep breath in

deep breath out

deep breath in

deep breath out

Calming down. Heart rate decreasing. ED is slowly leaving the brain. Emily is slowly regaining control. I took a shower. I brushed my teeth. I talked to smart people. I read supportive comments.

I feel better. Not a lot, but enough. I feel more in control of my thoughts. Miriam was right, Ed was talking in that last post. I am an anxious person. Anxiety causes your blood pressure to be higher. I am overly anxious at the doctor's office. And, I cannot ignore this, I did abuse my body. I was underweight for years. I under-ate for years. This was followed by approximately two years of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and continued FuCkEd uP eating. I suppose this could have impacted my blood pressure.

well shit.

We will see. I will find out on Thursday. But what does high blood pressure even imply? Obviously the eating disorder in me thinks it implies that I'm fat. I am going to be rational and say this is obviously not true. The hypochondriac in my thinks this implies that I will soon have a heart attack. Hopefully this is also obviously false.

In a way, I'm quite lucky for how little damage I seem to have done to my body from those years of disordered eating. My mom constantly reminds me that I might not discover the full damage for years to come, but until now I have been reveling in my good health. Of course, during the eating disorder I was understandably freezing cold, blue-lipped, purple-finger-nailed, and light-headed, but those symptoms went away with weight restoration. But what is this high blood pressure that has since popped up? Are my electrolytes out of balance, as my mom seems to think? Is this not actually a healthy weight for my body? Am I not eating as purely as I could be?

deep breath in.

deep breath out.

Ok. Emily is back. I once again kicked Ed out. He was trying to take over for a bit. As my chocolate wrapper said last night, don't stress- think, and this too shall pass. Ok chocolate, I'm going to put my faith with you. I'm going to trust you.

Don't worry, everyone, I am sticking to recovery. Nothing is going to get in my way now.

xoxo

love,

wtf

2010-08-17T15:41:00.000-04:00

So the doctor just called and I guess I have to go in again on Thursday because

I have high blood pressure?

wut. da. fuck.

don't only fat people get high blood pressure? I mean. unhealthy people? I eat all natural food. I follow my meal plan. I eat lot's of fruits and veggies. I exercise. anorexics don't get high blood pressure. don't only complusive overeaters get it? what gives? am I fat? do I eat too much?? should I cut out salt and fat????

FREAK OUT

How chocolate saved the day

2010-08-16T22:05:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to use my own mind to combat my mental illness. That's striking me as kind of crazy at the moment. No wonder I have a headache.

Anyway. The doctor was lovely.
Er. Kind of. Here we go. I am called back by the nurse. The nurse immediately informs me to step on the scale for a weight. Moment of panic. Just step on the damn scale, Em. I look at the nurse with wide eyes. Um. Um. I'm going to step on backwards. Um. I'm recovering from anorexia. Um. I'm not supposed to see my weight. Ok, just step on. Don't you want me to take off my shoes and socks? No Don't you want me to use the restroom first? No, you can go afterwards. But I have to go, actually! Just step on the scale. I submit. Then she asks how tall I am. WHAT? You tell me! Suddenly I (Ed) wants an exact measurement of my height. Not happening. I mumble something about being 5'8" the last time I checked. Good enough for the nurse.

Let's proceed to getting the standard procedure shit out the way, putting on the stupid paper gown, being poked, prodded, lectured, yada yada yada.

Finally.

The moment of death. I glance at the sheet on my doctor's clipboard. There it is. Right next to my temperature.

Um. I can't go on with the story. I feel paralyzed right now. I saw my weight, I saw it.

I SAW IT.
Please help me. How do I process this information????? I was not expecting to see it. I was not expecting to see that number. I don't know what to do now. My mind tells me to construct a new diet plan. But um...for some reason I don't think that's the right answer?

I had a beautiful chat with my beautiful friend tonight, Grace. I love her. She offered me a piece of dark chocolate when I saw her, and to see my little fortune thing on the wrapper, I opened it. I ate it (take that Ed), and this is what it said:

Don't stress- think, and this too shall pass.

Oh.em.gee.

There you have it. This is why chocolate SHOULD be on my meal plan. DOVE KNOWS BEST. What if I had let my Ed take over from the second I saw the weight? What if I had denied myself that piece of chocolate? What if I hadn't read such a lovely piece of advice, reminding me to think. Use my brain. Use the skills I have learned. Ask for help. Don't stress. This feeling right now, it is a feeling and it shall pass.

I mean. I still hav a lot to deal with. But I will continue dealing with it. I will continue making the right choices for ME. For recovery. I know it will be hard, still, but I know I can do it.

xoxo

my reason for recovering. If other people can, then so can I!

I'm hungry!

2010-08-15T17:57:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I am so ready for dinner!

Unfortunately, we are having some work done in the kitchen, so I can't just wander down to fix up a quick snack. Mom said she'll make dinner tonight (somehow) but I don't know when she's planning on doing it. As soon as I get this post out I will go demand some sustenance!

Now what was I going to talk about?

shit

This is what hunger does to your mind.

Ummmm. Oh yeah. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am OVERWHELMINGLY anxious. As in, thinking about it right now is making me feel light-headed and my heart is pounding. First of all, I am anxious to be weighed. I will most definitely be stepping on backwards, because knowing my weight is the LAST thing I need right now. I'm also anxious to talk to my doctor about my anxiety. How ironic. And I'm just dreading sitting on that stupid paper thingy in the stupidly bright and sterile room, and getting a stupid shot for some stupid kind of cancer prevention thing, and having her press down on my boobs and um other parts and bleh, I just hate going to the doctor's office.

I kind of have this huge irrational phobia of bodily functions. And the body in general. This makes sense, I think, since the basis of my anorexia had to do with me being terrified of what my body is capable of, and just wanting to diminish it as much as I could. But I cannot stand to hear people talk about rashes, or shots, or broken bones, or even nose bleeds, or periods, or having babies. It just makes my hair stand on end. EWWWW. My little brother was describing at breakfast this morning how he slept on his arm last night and so it was all puffy, so mom told him to hold it above his head to drain any fluid in it, and I almost threw up. Then she said my disgust of the human body is probably unhealthy. And then I said well that just makes too much sense.

Anyway, perhaps this is something I should discuss in therapy once I return to school?

Whatever, my stomach is growling and I cannot think of anything else. I AM NOT GOING TO LET MY HUNGER TRIGGER MY ED. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF REMEMBER HOW MUCH I LOVED THE HIGH FROM RESTRICTING.

dinner time.

bye

It takes effort

2010-08-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

I want to feel good today. I want to have a positive attitude, I want to have energy, I want to get things done and feel good about myself. I want to be able to eat when I'm hungry and not feel guilty. I want to be present with my friends and family instead of stuck inside my head. I want to appreciate the beauty of nature outside. I want to show my parents how much I love them simply by being healthy and taking care of myself.

there

Glad I got that all out. Because in all honesty, I woke up this morning with that ICKY feeling- anxious and fat and guilty. That was my body and mind's default feeling for the day and how I simply woke up feeling without even thinking about the day ahead.

um. ew.

What's the big idea, Em? That is no way to treat me!

Ok, that got a little confusing lol. But there. I woke up feeling awful and now I am determined to turn that around. It really is up to me to consciously change my attitude. It is up to me to think positively about the day, about life, and about myself. It's hard. Sometimes it feels cheesy. But it's worth it. It's worth it to feel good.

I hope you can choose to have a good day, too!

xoxo

Gratitude List

2010-08-11T22:56:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling better. A little more in control over this evil voice in my head. I ate the pizza. Thank you all for reminding me why it was the right thing to do. I'm dealing with a lot of body image distortion (I HOPE it's distortion!!!) and body checking issues, but I put on my pjs and promised myself I would not look in another mirror tonight.

Deep breath.

I've been making Gratitude Lists lately, at the end of each day. Just to remind myself that everything is ok, that life is beautiful. I thought tonight I would take the time to show my appreciation for you. My readers. How very, very grateful I am for each and every one of you. Honestly. I am feeling a little emotional right now, because I know I would not be so far along with my recovery if I had not started this blog and found such a wonderful community of beautiful people. You strengthen me everyday with your comments, support and love. It means so much to me, especially since we don't even know each other in "real" life. Yet you all show such unwavering and unconditional support! It is truly beautiful and inspirational. You see, my readers, life is beautiful. You are all proof of this.

Tonight's Gratitude List:

(This is in no particular order, and I'm sorry I cannot include every single one of you. My appreciation is so, so great, but I am just going to acknowledge some of my readers/commenters who have been with me the longest)

1. Holly from Just Breathe- your courage and determination to work through your past is an inspiration for me every day. Thank you for your comments and support. I believe in you. You are beautiful and deserve to feel better about yourself and about life.

2. Molly from The Letting Go- I don't get to comment on your blog nearly as much as I should, but your insightful posts and comments provide me invaluable help.

3. Yasi from Triumphant Yasi- oh girl, you were one of my first followers! I don't know if you found me first or if I found you, but I appreciate your support and I love how much I can relate to you!

4. Miriam from A Barbaric Yawp- Thank you so much for seeking me out on facebook back during the school year. Helping you has helped me so much. Love you girl!

5. Cat from Life with Curves- You are so wise, insightful, and straightforward in you recovery. Thank you for being such a beautiful role model in my recovery.

6. Melanie from My Life is a Beautiful Struggle- Darling, you will get through your ED. You have strengthened me and I will do whatever I can to help you.

7. Jessica from Life After Anorexia- Thank you for showing that, even though there is still some struggling, there IS life after ED. Your determination to be free of the illness inspires me to keep working.

8. Laura from Now is Now- You were one of my first followers and you provided the initial support that made me decide to keep up my blog. Thank you. You are beautiful.

9. Missy from Beautiful Struggle- I think of you as one of my cheerleaders, you are always rooting 100% for me! Thank you soooo much, we can kill Ed together!!

10. Bess from My Journey to a Beautiful Life- thank you for everything babe, I love you more than you will every know <3

To everyone else (David, Paola, Caroline, Fi, Shelley, Eleanor, Clemmy, and of course Lucie)

and all of my newer followers-

I cannot thank you all enough. I am so grateful. I knew it was going to be hard coming home from school for 3 months and not having support group or therapy, but I have been able to strengthen my recovery more than I would have ever thought possible, thanks to you all.

Keep being beautiful

xoxo

Much love,

Yes, I hear you

2010-08-11T17:48:00.001-04:00

The eating disorder is so loud in my head right now

I am on my own for dinner. Meaning mom told me there was pizza on the counter and help myself. I cannot eat it. I want to. How did this situation happen? This is the absolutely WORST part of an eating disorder. This is the only way I know it's a mental illness. There is a brick wall between me and the pizza. I need someone with me right now, someone who's eyes I can look into, someone I can say "tell me I need to eat, tell me it's ok" I need someone to validate my human needs. I need someone to tell me that no one cares how much I weigh. It's all in my head. It's a vicious evil voice in my head telling me I am worthless and fat.

But it's me.

It's me saying these things.

Nervous nervous nervous

2010-08-10T20:01:00.000-04:00

Anxiety

I know, I know, I talk about it all the time. But I have underlying anxiety about 75% of each day. Just this nervous feeling in my stomach that makes it hard to eat because it takes away my appetite. Right now it's very strong because I just ate dinner, so I'm feeling a little light-headed. I have not talked about my anxiety with my therapists or doctors very much, simply because there is always so much else to discuss. I think it's increasing though. Alongside my feeling of anxiety is guilt. They kind of go hand in hand. To deal with both of them, I have to follow a very healthy (wrong word?) daily routine.

-wake up early because if I sleep in I feel lazy and guilty and fat and anxious

-eat a balanced breakfast, because if I don't have enough food I'm failing at my recovery and if I eat too much I'll gain weight and die

-I must work out every day

-I must practice my music everyday

-I must keep my hair, skin, teeth, and fingernails perfect

- I must go to bed before midnight

*If something is thrown off during the day (I sleep in, I stay up too late, I don't work out, etc) then I feel overwhelming anxiety or guilt and that's what leads me off the deep end.

Positive things that alleviate my anxiety:

1. cutting strawberries

2. finishing a run (I'm anxious before and during my runs)

3. yogaing

4. taking deep breaths

5. painting my nails

6. cleaning my room

7. taking a shower

8. telling someone I'm anxious

9. petting my kitty

10. baking cookies

11. writing a blog post

12. playing piano

bad ways of coping with my anxiety:

1. restricting

2. bingeing and purging (compulsive exercising for me, not vomiting)

3. drinking wine. or vodka. or tequila. or whatever the hell I can get my hands on

4. cutting

5. digging my fingernails into my arms

6. smoking pot

7. taking someone else's medication

When I talked to my mom about being so anxious all the time, she told me to go to the doctor and get medication. I've always been somewhat against taking meds personally, because I figure this is who I am and this is how I'm supposed to be. However, obviously, I think that they can significantly help some people. But I'm starting to think otherwise...I understand some of my anxiety might be rationally based (I'm nervous about auditions at school) but I think most of it isn't (I'm always nervous about work, I get light-headed going to my therapist, I have overwhelming anxiety when I go out with a group of people, I feel guilty after eating still, etc). Have any of you had success with meds for dealing with this kind of minor, underlying anxiety? What about other ways of coping?

I know that I still have many OCD/irrational thoughts and behaviors. I would really love to be more content with myself everyday, but I just don't know how. I hope to address these concerns with my new therapist I'll have during the school year, but I still have two weeks left at home. Things are kind of becoming unbearable for me and I think that's why I was slipping so much last week. While I got my grip back on eating properly, I just feel so crazy with my anxiety and restlessness.

Ahhhhh!

This post was a failure. I failed to tie everything up neatly in the end. Oops.

much love