I have not been writing as much as I would like to. I don't know why...I suppose I am still just generally apathetic about everything. I have a hard time getting myself to get out of bed, let alone making breakfast, and eating it...and socializing with my family...and then getting around to a blog post. At least on the weekend it's a bit easier because there's the chance of my mom making a meal for me. 

I met with my therapist on Thurs and I'll be going twice a week now. I'm glad for this. She asked me what I think my primary issue is, and honestly it comes down to depression. At the root and end of everything. And where I am now is a complete lack of desire for anything I used to love...and it's been this way for months and months. 

But anyway, I've been okay. Actually met new people and went out a few times, but I still end up in my bed at the end of the day wishing I had never left, feeling as though nothing really mattered, or even if it did, nothing ever amounts to anything. I will be honest though, I was feeling a bit more hope yesterday. Briefly, maybe for a few hours. But looking back, it was probably a false happiness, brought on by my restricting. My kittens certainly bring me joy. And now one is walking along the piano keys....

love,

em

I apologize for the tone of the last post. I was very upset and confused and obviously my eating disorder did a lot of the talking and the thinking.

I went to bed crying, feeling guilty for feeling guilty, hating myself for hating myself...just a vicious cycle of useless self-hatred. Before going to sleep, I was going through my old bookmarks from my 'healthier' and happier days, and came across benurtured.com a very wonderful site that you should all visit. For some reason I was inspired to email the woman who runs it and she replied with a beautiful, sincere message that has really caused me to think about my situation differently. 

When I first started this blog over a year ago, my attitude was so completely different. I was complete dedicated to recovering. I was on a mission to love myself and take care of myself no matter what. Well, I feel as though I have gone completely back in time. I relapsed the worst I ever have, losing a significant amount of weight and restricting more than I ever did even when I first got sick. 

I do not want to continue to get sick. I want to get better. And I want to take my time and do it thoroughly. My school load is significantly lightened, as I will only be taking a few classes, and I'm no longer going to be in the high stress performing arts world. I am not associating myself with people who are negative, who will tempt me to smoke or drink or neglect myself. 

I have had depression my entire life. I have gone through eating disorders, various addictions, and too many unhealthy relationships. I need to place myself first, just for a while, in order to be there for people...as I really want to. 

I feel a clarity of mind and am so glad to have released the anger that was clouding my thoughts last night.  I feel more at peace. I was even actually able to enjoy cooking today. I was able to do yoga and enjoy it. I was able to laugh and feel sincerely pleased. I know this probably has to do with starting to eat again. I want that life back. I want vitality back. I want to love myself again, rather than despising the girl I see in the mirror. It makes me feel ill to think back to the thoughts I have had about myself for the past year. I had completely gone back to my old thoughts and attitudes about myself, doing the opposite of what I worked so hard to overcome. 

Gross! Relapsing is gross!!!!!!!!! I am determined to get better, even if that means I have to do it entirely on my own. I have started trying to implement my meal plan. It is soooo hard! But I will work my way up to meeting it 100%. This week my goal is to at least make it to 50%...

love,

emmy

well, i'm glad i didnt write a post yesterday like i had planned to, about how great my first day of iop was and how beneficial i think it will be. how i have already learned invaluable things about my eating disorder and even about myself that i could have benefited from sooooo long ago. i was trying to follow my meal plan today, despite how overwhelming and impossible it seems. but anyway, glad i didnt eat enough today because then i would feel even stupider.

just got a call that insurance wont pay for iop. they would pay for php and inpatient (even though they said before that they WOULDNT) but not iop. theyre saying this, im sure, because i dont quite qualify for php or inpatient, technically. even though thats been determined what i need. so now i wont even get iop.

i feel selfish and stupid for feeling this way. for thinking, ok fuck recovery whatever i dont deserve it any way. how stupid of me to think things would finally get better. when i finally had hope of course they would let me go to my first day and then say oh wait nevermind just kidding even after they said they would cover it. i feel selfish for thinking i could get such cushy and nice help. i should be able to suck it up and just eat on my fucking own why do i need some luxury treatment.

oh well whatever

Positivity

I had an entire post composed in my head last night, all about how confused I am about my life right now, what kind of treatment I need...how important is treatment? Is this in my head, why hasn't the Center called me, etc....but this morning I woke up with a different action plan. Rather than continuing to feel lost and confused, I decided, well...I'm just going to do what I can do.

And, although it took me about an hour, I finally dragged myself out of bed (weighed myself...meh), but promptly walked downstairs, and fixed myself breakfast and ate before I could think twice about it. HELL YEAHHHH. 

I've been repeating in my head "positivity, positivity, positivity"... being pretty straight forward. I do not want to be depressed, I hate it, it has lasted too long, I need to control what I can control. I couldn't even think of any other stupid mantra to repeat, so I just jumped straight it....

positivity, positivity, positivity.

I'm not going to indulge in the negative thoughts that try to push their way into my mind. Enough come out in my dreams (nightmares). I'm feeling the start of a headache, but whatever, I do not want to feel like shit anymore. I know food is medicine, and it certainly feels that way. I just have to make myself eat it, but whatever, people rarely want to take their medicine! So, GROW UP, Emily, and do it. I texted my best friend from school last night and said "I dunno...I don't really want to do this anymore." I'm tired, I wanted to get better, but I've been on a waitlist for weeks, I feel stupid, useless, etc. I told him I want to go back to drinking, smoking, my ED, and he said it's just about growing up...living your life. I need to grow up. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I mean it in the truest sense. I need to release my younger insecurities, my maladaptive coping skills, and deal with issues as an adult. I am 21 and I've landed back to the place I was in when I was 17. EW! 

So, Project Grow Up, commence. 

I'm stealing this idea from Ashley at Seeking for progression, instead of perfection, Fabulous Five Friday, where she posts five good things from the week. I'm just going to simplify it and recognize five general things in my life I am grateful for. What I am now living for...

1. My two kittens, Maggie and Fiona. I spend my day with them everyday, they purr, they climb onto my lap, and they go absolutely crazy, running around the house. I love them :) They were rescued from an abandoned car downtown and were going to be put down. 

sorry for the poor quality of the photos, I left my camera at school and have to use the one on the computer for the time being. Maggie is the entirely orange one and the other is Fiona. Maggie is named after one of my best friends from school who inspired me and urged me to take the steps of moving home and seeking treatment. I love her, she is a beautiful person inside and out. Fiona is named after Fiona Apple :)

2. My little brother, who I call Punky. Besides my kitties, he is my best friend at home. We hang out everyday, whether we're playing chess, I'm giving him a music lesson, taking a one mile run around the block, watching Modern Family, or smoking a bowl, he is AWESOME.

3. My family's cat, Frodo, who is 60 in cat years and 20 lbs. He has been getting along with the two new little kitties, so I'm very happy about that :) 

4. Pandora radio has been NAILING it for me this week. I got tired of picking what I want to listen to (I pretty much listen to music allllllll day, unless I'm playing the piano or something, aka, making music on my own). This week I've been listening to the Pandora Beach House station, Jose Gonzalez station...and Rihanna haha. They are all very different but I've really been enjoying everything that comes on each. 

5. The awesome artwork in my room that my friends gave me. The paper crane mobile, my best friend and roommate made me for my 21st, the painting behind it is a splatter painting that we made together in a drunken crazy night while listening to Bjork, and the dream catcher on the wall Maggie gave me before I left. Again, sorry for the poor photo quality, but I love these pieces in my room...

Alright, plan for the rest of the day...get dressed, clean, practice (???), meet old friend for coffee at 2 pm, this evening...? no idea. 

xoxo

Em

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sitting with it

My dad came home today at 11 am to take me to a dentist appointment and as we were walking out of the house into the f***ing cold (winter has finally come...) he asked me if I'd eaten. I "mhmm"ed as usually and made my way to his car. But he stood still and said "no you didn't"

Ugh...

So after my appointment he made me go out to lunch. To Champps. The restaurant of ZERO vegetarian/vegan items (though I am no longer either, I prefer to eat that way when I go out), and massive, mountainous piles of food. I quickly lost my appetite when we pulled into the parking lot.

I had half of a turkey wrap which came with a salad (and I did not ask for the dressing on the side..I don't know what was possessing me). And then my twin sister, who came along, and my dad decided they wanted the pumpkin cheesecake, and they decided I would be sharing it with them.

I simply had to resign to my fate. There is no point in arguing, though my discomfort was obvious and they know I did it for them. Did it taste good? I don't really know...all I know is how it still feels sitting in my stomach. While driving home though, as I watched the river which is near overflowing, I remembered how I used to enjoy running along the bike path that travels along the river. I used to enjoy running...I ran for health and vitality. I miss that. My ED totally took over every single thing I do. I ran to lose weight, until I stopped running altogether because 1.I didn't like how my thighs were bigger with muscle 2. I probably couldn't have run even if I wanted to, I was so exhausted all the time. I still only have energy to pretty much lie around all day.

I want to be able to run again. And I want to run because I love to run.

xoxo

Em

the low down

I have time for a quick update before I "must" make dinner because my younger brother is "starving"...haha...oh ironic humor.

Anyway, of course the appointment was not nearly as bad as my nerves were trying to make it out to be. I slept terribly, had numerous dreams about ridiculous circumstances, woke up at 6:50 am to drive my mom to school (she's a teacher) so I could use her car today, spent 2 hours throwing my clothes all over my room because everything looks terrible on me, resulting in me wearing my pjs (aka yoga pants and sweatshirt) got my prescription refilled finally, made my way through the suburbs of Columbus for the first time in years, figured out how to use the windshield wipers on my mom's van (out of dire necessity, will this rain please STOP!?) and finally made it to the Clinic, after having driven past, around in a circle, and almost calling for help.

But yes. I made it. And the assessment was just like you would expect it to be. Where they ask for eating disorder behaviors and habits in an eating disorder intake, the questions were simply replaced with ones about drugs and alcohol. And of course I was honest. Honest about my use, attitudes, and also honest about how I think the ED needs more attention. The woman was incredibly nice and understanding (as therapists tend to be) and she really seemed to consider everything I said.

Ultimately, she agreed that the ED seems like the bigger issue now, and that it's hard to determine whether or not cannabis dependency is an appropriate diagnosis considering my smoking has not necessarily caused any major issues. Though she did say my thoughts regarding it, connected to my eating disorder and to drinking, are worrisome. But as some of you have commented, they are all addictions and they can be treated similarly. For me, the eating disorder is primary, for other people, she said, they have a chemical dependency and during remission from that they develop and eating disorder. So it's just the other way around for me. She did say I met the criteria for alcohol dependency at a point in my life, but not right now...considering I don't drink.

But anyway, I feel much more at peace. She is calling the Center today to discuss treatment options. In the best case scenario (depending on what the two treatment centers determine together) she thinks I should do IOP at the Center and if problems arise with the other addictions, then I should go there for outpatient help after ED IOP. Or, she said, if the Center would be more comfortable (or if they require it) I may have to do morning IOP for the substance abuse 9 am- noon and then ED IOP in the evening...which would be super intense, but I came home to get better and I'll do whatever they think I should. 

I will hopefully get a call tomorrow from the Center to let me know the decision...

xoxo

Em